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 by Mel Gibson Dear Ladies, Remember Me? Leathal Weapon 1-5? Braveheart? Remember me?! I was your "main man", your "aussie he-possie", your "ultimate hunk of meat." Oh,so you do remember me...once I confront you about it. But until that point it's just "Look past Mr. Distinguished Actor," isn't it? Listen, I know Tobey is the new young thing, and I know he's pretty muscular in that spider man flick, but I want you to look past that for one small moment. Was Tobey there for you when you had your third child? Was he there for you when your husband was away on long business trips during that time of the month you and he called your "fire time"? Was he there for you back in '87, bulging, chest heaving off the 3/4 life-sized cardboard cutout at the local AMC when your second child took her first trip to the movies? I don't think so. And look at his hair? Does it begin in a boyant crest at the top of his brow, slowly furrowing into soft whisps that drape down over the nape of his neck? Who's gonna be there pulling melanoma off of that neck in 40 years? That's right you... if you continue to lavish babehood on this young punk. Listen, I'm not saying that he's not babe-worthy, or even "babelicious" as you like to proclaim to your friends at the church pancake sale. But come on...don't forget about me. Remember when Danny Glover and I were in Lethal Weapon 3 and Danny has that scene where he's sitting on a toilet bomb? Remember how you used to think that was how I used to make you feel? Like a hair trigger to a massive explosion between your legs? Remember? I don't see Spidey giving that to you now...or ever. Let's put "The Man Without a Face" behind us....not a good move on my part. But just because this Tobey kid has three movies under his belt, you're gonna forget about this delicious bod? I truly hope not... To sum up, I am Australian, which is pretty exotic. Maguire is American all the way. Not that that should pose a problem, this being a great country and all. But isn't it a little bit intersting at least? My heritage? Not so much...Whatever, your loss. |
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