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   The Uninformed Guide To Gambling by chris weisbart Spring has sprung and with each new day of September, thoughts of the nation turn to one place: Las Vegas Nevada! Before anybody goes there (Las Vegas Nevada), though, there should be some techniques of gambling you will learn. Follow the steps after this time! The Basics 1) Familiarize yourself with gambling terms. e.g.("Yo eleven!", "rockum sockum!", "lickety split!", "hot pants!") 2) Drink Heavily 3) Go into a place of business 4) Find the Dealer (if there is no dealer, a "Manager" will do) 5) Yell a gambling term e.g. ("hot pants!") and throw money at the dealer/manager 6) Ride in a car ----------- Now that you are familiar with gamblings, proceed to Las Vegas Nevada! Here comes the games, and steps for them. Each! Blackjacks 1) Drink heavily 2) Approach a Blackjack table. 3) Hiss!! Snide, dealer, snide! hiss!! 4) At least I don't have to stand up all day long, asshole 5) As the dealer hands you cards turn them over and yell "GO FISH!!" 6) If you have cards that equal 11, double down. If not, safely tuck and roll away from the table. Craps 1) Drink Heavily 2) Approach a Craps table. ***Note: Please note "s." NEVER APPROACH A "CRAP TABLE." 3) Three gentlemen/gentlewomen are there. One has a stick. In the game of craps, these people are called "Mafioso Cronies." Refer to them as such. (e.g.. "Pardon me, my good Mafioso Cronie! Please hand me those sharp dice-bones and lets have a spirited match of craps!") 4) The old Mafioso Cronie in the center with the sour expression on his face has hemorrhoids. 5) SUPER BONUS CRAPPY!! 6) The rules of craps are simple and fun to learn!: A Match begins on the shooters come out roll of two equally balanced dice with six sides on them, the shooter either rolling a 2, 3, or 12; 7 or 11; or 4, 5, 6, 8, 9 or 10. The last of these sets of numbers is a point and the shooter must then try to make his/her point before rolling 7, unless of course the 7 is the first number rolled in which case it is an automatic "win" along with the number 11 (on the first roll only), excepting the numbers 2,3,or 12 witch are "craps" and automatically loose (on the first roll only). Around the table are bets placed in various locations. The pass line is for bettors placing their bets with the shooter (betting that the shooter will win based on the rules described above), don't pass, conversely, is the opposite (e.g. betting that the shooter will loose based on the above rules), while the come bar places the bet on the next roll made at any point in the game as a new round with a imaginary new shooter (e.g. 7/11 wins, 2/3/12 looses, 4/5/6/8/9/10 become a point that then has to be "made" before a subsequent roll of 7). Once a point on a come bet is made, the bet moves behind the row of numbers above the come bar to track the progress of the "imaginary shooter's" game. At the end of said number row is the "don't come bar" basically acting like a come line in reverse (7/11 looses, 2/3/12/ wins, 4/5/6/8/9/10 becomes a point that must not be rolled before a subsequent roll of 7). However, a more lucrative way to bet on the numbered line is to make "place bets" wherein a bet is placed on the number and gets odds based on the casino rules; usually 9 to 5 on the 4 and 10, 7 to 5 on the 5 and 9, and 7 to 6 on the 6 and 8. You can further increase your payout by "buying" the "true odds" for these bets which increase the payouts to 2 to 1 on the 4 and 10, 3 to 2 on the 5 and 9 and 6 to 5 on the 6 and 8. Other locations for betting are "the field" (one roll bet that any number shown will be rolled on the next toss of the dice. all numbers but 2 and 12 pay even money, 2 & 12 paying 2 to 1),"Big 6" and "Big 8" (pays even money if any 6 or 8 is rolled before a 7-- NOT on the come out roll), and the proposition bets on the center table: "C & E" (equivalent to "Any Craps" and "Any 11" respectively), "Hard Ways" (bets that two identical dice faces totaling either 6, 8, 4, or 10 will appear before those same numbers are rolled via another "easy" combination of dice-faces) , "Any 2, 3, 7, 11, 12, or Craps" (bets that the very next roll of the dice will produce these numbers-- craps being 2, 3, or 12), and "The Horn" (Betting on all the numbers surrounding "The Horn" with a single bet. Payouts are based on 1/4 of the horn bet, since only one of these bets can pay off per roll. ) Lastly and definitely not lastly, odds bets can be made behind the pass or don't pass line after the come out roll and garner the bettor true odds on the point! A Casino advertising "100 x odds" will allow you to place 100 times the amount on the line bet behind as an odds bet, paying out the true odds of the given number! 7) Talk about things and sports to the people next to you. 8) When the dice come to you a simple formula can be used to determine if you should roll. Add up the number of people at a table, excluding the "Cronies", and divide by 4. Take the remainder left of the dividend and add a total of 3 x the amount currently showing on the dice on the table. Divide the entire number by 2, subtract 1 and multiply by 5. If the number is 24... LET EM RIP, CHACHIE! 9) Thank everybody for a wonderful evening of craps! Roulette 1) Make sure to bring a supply of your own roulette when coming to play roulette 2) Drink Heavily 3) The colored items on the table are candy. If the number is rolled eat the candy! 4) Hot Flashes! 5) Danger! --------- In conclusion Gambling is an educational and an activity that anybody can do. Except children. The video I watched has men dancing. Las Vegas, Nevada there we come!! Torpedo! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Television! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To The Nightly News! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Scrabble! |
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