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My First Year of College by ted molloy Looking back on Freshman year at a nameless northeastern university that begins with "S" and ends in "yracuse," I have both fond memories and deep, deep regret. Sure, I've made some of the best friends I've ever had, but I have failed to witness the now infamous party act of seeing a girl being carried on a guy's shoulders. And they claimed Syracuse was a "party school." I did, however, get my first serious dosage of East Coast flavor (pronounced "flay-VUH"). You see, things are different here on the East Coast. First off, most people are not stereotypical surfer idiots. This does not exclude everyone, however, as I met my fair share of assholes and outright morons. Also, people from the Northeast are nearly as white and pale as I am. This was a welcome change from the California coastline, where I could not walk outside without being either brutally burned or stared at for my extreme level of paleness.  There is no sun in Syracuse, which also was a pleasant experience for a person who despises warmth as much as I do. The snowfall came much too late for me, whereas my friends, native Northeasterners, were quite agitated by winter's early arrival. And fortunately for me, Winter did not end until late April. I once read a really stupid chain letter type thing entitled "You know you're in college when..." Two of the items on the list stood out to me especially. The first said something like "you brave sub-zero temperatures to get down to a frat party to drink, but you refuse to walk a shorter distance in slightly warmer weather to get to class." I found this to be true on a weekly basis. In fact, the first time it rained, which was approximately mid-September, I decided I would skip classes for the day, at least until it stopped raining. This led to a pattern of skipping classes for absolutely no justifiable reason. This led to a pattern of me having to work very hard to maintain decent grades. Another item on the list referred to the fact that going three days without a shower was also not a huge deal. I, unfortunately, can attest to this. On more than one occasion, I went multiple days without showering simply as a matter of convenience. If I wanted to sleep an extra 10 minutes, a shower was simply not possible. This was not just a phenomenon experienced by me alone, however. A few friends of mine even gained a reputation for not showering. One girl would often go over a week without a shower. She didn't sleep, either. And then there was one kid who I could almost swear didn't take a shower once all year. But he was one of the greatest human beings ever created. He is so perfect that I almost believe that he is a robot who needs not shower. I am talking about none other than C-Dogg. For a short period, some of us were afraid of C-Dogg. We pictured him as creepy and perverted, and as having a rather short temper. It turned out that his only real flaw was his hilarious perversion. A motto of C-Dogg's ("the 'C' is for 'Chris,' the 'Dogg' is from Snoop Doggy Dogg) is "runway, strip, bush, no bush... men will always prefer the woman with the shaved bush." Few could put it more eloquently. Another C-Dogg classic is "men should not hump other mens' legs!" in response to the fact that, well, C-Dogg was irresistible even to the males. The intrigue of C-Dogg was eventually "dogg"umented on film. In early April, the very first movie starring C-Dogg, known simply as "the Dogg-umentary," was unveiled. It instantly became a huge success, drawing fans from all over campus as well as throughout the entire Northeastern region. The film's success was bolstered by numerous promotional appearances on my very own radio program, "The Brothers Cronozzi." C-Dogg quickly went from just another Syracuse sophomore to an instant celebrity, a status which he continues to relish to this day. This started off as a review of my freshman year overall at Syracuse University. As it turns out, I am too obsessed with C-Dogg to write an actual review. Apparently this will have to be done in a number of installments. Stay tuned for more old college tales of mischief and mayhem. *Please note that a picture of C-Dogg is not available at this time. If and when it is, rest assured it will be added, in order to give the reader clearer insight into the phenomenon that is "C". |
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