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The Burritoville Correspondence
In early May, lunchboxing ran a review of "The Best Burritos in NYC" by NYC correspondent Paws O'Henry. What was originally intended to be a harmless attempt at applauding a fine burrito while chastising the restaurant's management for charging extra for salsa became anything but harmless, however. The review was met with fierce resistance by several lunchboxing fans, particularly one Earl L. Humphreys. On Monday, May 5th, Earl wrote: Please pass this on to Mr. O'Henry. I don't know whether Burritoville is any good, but I can say that "eggs, soy cheese, soy sour cream, and tofu bacon in a spinach wrap" is not a burrito. it's fucking gross. if someone's a vegetarian or vegan, great, good for you, but don't tell me that that's a burrito. burritos have meat, and cheese, and beans, and guacamole, and rice, or maybe potatoes, and salsa. other vegetables optional. i enjoyed the review, but i didn't see a link to a petition calling on Burritoville to stop calling this thing (see ingredients above) a burrito and start calling it "nasty fucked up vegetarian bullshit that we put in a wrap and then charge you seven bucks for, and good luck keeping it down" thanks for letting me get that off my chest. love the site Since lunchboxing is an equal opportunity forum, we would like to print Paws' response to this email and re-invite you to sign the original petition. Dear Mr. Humphreys, Thank you very much for your letter. You raised many compelling points, and as the author of the piece I felt it was my duty to pass along your letter to our research department for further investigation. Their findings were, at the very least, extremely disturbing. As you correctly noted, burritos must contain: "meat, and cheese, and beans, and guacamole, and rice, or maybe potatoes, and salsa". What Burritoville has done, our research department told me, is narrowly stay within this definition through a cynical manipulation of the Burrito Rules you have correctly documented. You may want to sit down for this. The researchers informed me that apparently Burritoville's "soy" products are made of... beans. Unbelievable. Basically, it's not enough that these people take over foods like pizza by eating it without pepperoni. Now they're taking over made-up foods like "soy." In all seriousness, where will this end? Soy veal? Soy baby lamb? Soy seal burgers? It makes me physically ill. Making matters worse, these "soy" products contain as much protein as the meat products we know and love, as well as the essential B12 vitamins missing from some vegetarian diets. The researchers tell me that a healthy person could live for years on a soy-based diet. This is just plain wrong -- nearly as wrong as charging for salsa. I thank you for your letter, Mr. Humphreys, and for your vigilance. You do not say in your letter if you are a religious man. But if you are I implore you to join me in a prayer for our world. Yours, Paws O'Henry |
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