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Four things to retire for the New Year by paws o'henry 1. Jocking Outkast if you didn't like a single Outkast song prior to "Hey Ya." C'mon folks. There were a lot of classics and if you missed every single one you're a jerk. If you never took the time to appreciate "Elevators" and "ATLiens," or even such widely played songs as "So Fresh, So Clean," "Ms. Jackson," or "Rosa Parks," you don't get to tell everyone how much you're into Outkast. Yes, you can still jock "Hey Ya." "Hey Ya" belongs to the world. Outkast belongs to those of us who weren't eight years behind the curve. Some of us here at Team Lunchboxing thought "Hey Ya" would be the most perfect song in history if it had been retired at 12:01 a.m. January 1, a hope dashed when it was the first song played in 2004 at the Wildcat in Santa Barbara, where some of us welcomed the New Year. Anyway, a fun night despite being surrounded by people who haven't appreciated Outkast as long as we have. 2. Fussing over the uniformly annoying and only 50 percent attractive casts of Sex and the City and Friends. Oh no, just seven more episodes. You'll have to find someone else to tell you what shoes to wear and what pink drinks to drink. We don't really have a problem with the protagonists of Sex and the City, even if they are the fussiest, prickliest people on television. We have a problem with the fans: the legion of metropolitan hipsters (OK, when we say metropolitan hipsters we mean "women") who see the cast as role models to be envied instead of twits to be pitied. It's kind of a Grateful Dead thing. The band's OK, but our revulsion at their fans makes us dislike the band a bit too. And it goes without saying that the ladies of Sex and the City are preferable 300 times over to the cast of Friends, the most overrated show in history. Oh look, they've partner-swapped again. And look, a new celebrity guest. And now they're having a baby. Friends is noteworthy for just one reason: Most bad shows add a monkey to the cast in the last few seasons, and Friends is a bad show that started with a monkey. It belonged to Ross, we're told, and was jettisoned around the second or third season when the cast really found their bearings and decided to give things a go sans simian. (We may have some details wrong, because we don't watch the show.) The early-monkey syndrome proves that Friends' creators knew from the start that their show was innately bad. 3. Infighting. Come on, let's see an end to internecine conflict in the New Year. No more arguing about who liked Outkast first (we did), or which Democrat is most consistent in their support/tempered support/opposition/conflicted feelings about Iraq. No new Shaq-Kobe spats. This is a year to pick lowest common denominator points of agreement, however vague, and push them down the throats of your adversaries. An election year, is what we're saying. 4. The old Lunchboxing. We're coming out with an exciting new format this year, one that focuses on filling your precious heart with amusement and saving this sick sad world. Stay tuned. |
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