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Editor's Note: In cooperation with the Las Vegas Tourism and Visitor's Bureau, lunchboxing.com has agreed to begin running the following advertisement feature. While our policies continue to prohibit ads, we sympathized with their desire to reassure tourists after the tragic attack on illusionist Roy Horn by a white Bengal tiger, Montecore. Without further adieu, we present our new column. Dear Montecore, I am so angry about this recall election. Are California's problems really so bad that we need a movie actor to solve our state's problems? What kind of example does this set for our children? Rose L., San Diego, Calif. Rose-tiger, Since the unfortunate events of last Friday -- it seems like a fortnight -- I have been in my Temple of Solitude in the Secret Garden, banished from the man-tigers and my fellow beasts. To a tiger, it is said, you are just another tiger. As indeed your are, Rose. Tender, luscious, fleshy Rose. You are just another tiger to be ripped limb from limb. I am unfamiliar with the place you call California. Perhaps it is beyond my realm, which extends no further than the Cathedral of Stone by the Spanish 21 tables at the world famous Mirage Hotel and Casino. Be sure to capture all the excitement of Las Vegas by holding your next convention at one of our world famous luxury business and adult entertainment destinations! Bring with you the actor-tiger and I will feast on his sweetbreads. Dear Montecore, I love my boyfriend but he's always making little disparaging remarks about me. He says he's just teasing, but last week he told my friend to stop feeding me so many cupcakes. (She works at a cupcake factory and we have "cupcake parties" on "Girls' Night.") Needless to say, I thought this was over the line. Casey J., Altoona, Pa. Your city I know well -- the land of the world famous Altoona Curve, the trail of the mighty locomotive tiger that many a fellow hunter has stalked on his sacred journey to the next town's Circus Vargas. For me the journey ends here, framed in the fearful symmetry of the Inner Sanctum, just a short tram ride from the thrilling spectacle of Treasure Island and the Bellagio Resort and Casino! Light up the night with our new Pirate maidens before you dine on scrumptious, succulent shrimp and bread-encrusted salmon stuffed with lobster pate at our luxurious $24.95 all-you-can eat buffet! Or, if your claw becomes caught on the man-tiger's sleeve, free yourself by tearing into his jugular vein with 550-pounds of pure tiger fury and disembowel him before he again threatens your sovereignty! "Don't hurt the animal!" he will scream but by then it will be too late as you thrash him about the stage, flexing in the hot lights and savoring the screams of fat people from the land you call Irvine as you crack his frail tiger-neck against itself and prepare to suck out his skull marrow before they are arrive with the pain-stick that fires tiny darts that hurt Montecore. I am weary now, bring me a Dollar Mega Margarita or make it a double for 50 cents more. Related information: 
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