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Pigeonholed People, Los Angeles Edition
by charlie padow Are you utterly confused by the multitude of morons parading through the smog choked corners of LA? Fear not, because this handy guide will make you a bonafide Angeleno archaeologist faster than you can say, "Botox booster." East Side Hipster aka. Bohemius Pretentious 
Likes: kitsch, blogs Dislikes: favorite hangout getting write-up as new hip spot Accessories: man purse, digital camera, designer ripped t-shirts Irony: gentrifies working class ethnic families out of their homes Career options: zine publisher, Amoeba clerk Overheard saying: "Dude, I hear there's some really cheap lofts in Compton!" Sunset Floozie aka. Siliconious Lipsuctionus 
Likes: divorcé producers looking for a fresh face Dislikes: bouncers who can't find her name on the list Accessories: cellphone, diet pills, skimpy attire Irony: shoes cost more than her boob job Career options: trophy wife, porn star Overheard saying: "Have you seen my new head shots? Charlie Sheen has." West Side Liberal aka. Yuppius Mercedes 
Likes: chai lattes, organic farmers market Dislikes: Fox news, panhandlers Accessories: anti-death penalty bumper sticker, mandala jewelry Irony: has Cesar Chavez poster at home, maid earns minimum wage and commutes via two-hour bus ride Career options: college professor, yoga instructor Overheard saying: "Gas is so expensive, but I feel so safe in my SUV." '80s-Era Rocker aka. Hairbandius Relicas 
Likes: guitar magazines, discount beauty stores Dislikes: VH1's "Behind the Music" Accessories: nicotine gum, snakes, leather Irony: spends more time in bathroom doing hair than his girlfriend Career options: donating drug-addled organs for scientific research and cash Overheard saying: "I hear all the good band reunions are happening in rehab." |
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