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The Lunchboxing Radio Challenge: West Hollywood to San Pedro by tim molloy Recently Tim Molloy visited his hometown of Los Angeles to accept The Lunchboxing Radio Challenge: Drive from West Hollywood to San Pedro taking notes about the shit you hear on the radio. All times are approximate, because it would be irresponsible to look at the dashboard clock when you're supposed to be driving and writing. 8:44 a.m.: I have left my new friend's house. I don't know why George Lucas is shooting the new Star Wars movie in West Hollywood, or why I have to dress up like a cowboy, or why George wasn't there for my pivotal "wrestling" scene. Still, I'm oiled up and ready to drive. 8:47: New York rapper 50 Cent is on "Big Boy's Neighborhood" on Power 106! For the last three days I have been driving around, hoping to hear 50 Cent's amazing new joint "In the Club." The opening line, "It's Your Birthday," fills me with joy as I stop for gas. So far, "Big Boy's Neighborhood" seems like the best morning radio show in Los Angeles. 
8:49: Wrong. Big Boy keeps talking. And he sucks. There's a lot of chatter about yesterday's Superbowl. Someone interviews Raiders fans and asks if they're willing to burn their jerseys. They say no. 8:54: Power plays a snippet of "Doggy Dogg World." Play the whole damn thing! Geez. 8:55: Incredible new song that sounds like Outkast. Also, I hit a traffic cone at the bank. 8:56: Flip to "Steve Harvey Morning Show" on 100.3 KKBT-FM. I've never understood why one of America's most successful comedians hosts a morning show, but he does. I'm pleased to learn it's really good. Steve and a judge are giving free legal advice to some woman whose husband once had child pornography on his computer. The father of her child (a man who is not her husband) no longer wants the child in the house with her and the husband. I don't want my kids in your house either, says Steve. 
8:59: KROQ 106.7. It's the morning show with Kevin and Bean, two guys who have been staples of L.A. radio since I was in junior high. How old are these guys? I feverishly transcribe some of their banter as I look for rich single ladies along Rodeo Drive. 
Kevin: How was your weekend, Bean? Bean: It was fine, just fine. Edith and I went to Buellton. Kevin: Goodness! Did you have any of that fine pea soup at...oh my. Now what's the name of it? Bean: Oh! Gosh. I can picture the sign. Kevin: It's right on the tip of my tongue. Engineer: Pea Soup Anderson's. Bean: Yes, that's right. Then we went antiquing. And Edith had a glass of wine. Kevin: I hope you were driving! (Boisterous laughter.) Bean: And here's the new one from Nirvana. 9:04: The woman with the husband with the computer porn is still yapping away. Steve advises her to buy a gun. 9:08: I'm listening to 97.6 KBND which has this crazy "foreign" talk. Every so often there are a couple familiar words, which is almost more disorienting than all foreign talk. Blah blah blah blahChipsonTNNblah blahHowtoloseaguyintendaysblah blah blahItsyourbirthday... I use my cell phone to find out the station's phone number. 9:10: Apparently 97.6 is a "Spanish" station. I suggest that they might have more listeners if they spoke "English" and not this crazy make-believe language. Is this some kind of publicity stunt or something? I ask if they'll play the 50 Cent song and they say no. They have a "banda" format. 
9:14: Big Boy is interviewing Kid Rock, who is boasting about being on the country music station just a few minutes earlier. Then he boasts about his new movie and how he's marrying Pamela Anderson. Oh, like I'm so impressed. 9:16: Back to 97.6. Like pretty much everyone else, I've always been impressed by the way bandas play and pose majestically at the zoo. Based on what I'm hearing today, sounds like they're also pretty good at programming drum machines. 9:19: Big Boy says Kid Rock gets "mad respect" from the "hip-hop community." Big Boy is a nice man even though he lies all the time. 9:20: Back to KROQ. Kevin: Mmmm, I love deviled eggs! Bean: Have some more! You should invite Annabelle up to the house Sunday. Kevin: Well, you know we don't drive much anymore. Bean: And here's Nine Inch Nails. 9:24: So far Steve Harvey is the best guy on morning radio. On Power, Kid Rock is still going on and on about hanging out at the Playboy Mansion and going to movie premieres. Look dude, to each his own. 9:31: This banda station is off the hook! I call and suggest the new slogan, "Word is Banda." They explain again about their slavish devotion to this obscure, too-cool-for-school "Spanish talk" and how my slogan doesn't fit in with their demographic or "language." Hey, just trying to help. 9:39: I check in with 92.3, which used to be called "The Beat" when I grew up here. They're playing the national anthem over and over again. 9:41: Kid Rock is on KROQ. Kevin: So you went to the "rap" station before this. Youčre lucky to be alive! Bean: Now what you do isn't really music, is it? It's just talking while you play someone else's records. Kid Rock: That's accurate, yes. Bean: There's no melody. Kid Rock: Right. Kevin: Just talking. Bean: Seriously though, we've been down with rap since day one. Kevin: And here's the Beastie Boys. 9:46: I'm learning a bit of Spanish, something that should impress the indie kids back in New York. They talk a lot about "cinco" (five), "coches" (cars) and I also heard the word "manana" (banana). It's so easy! 9:49: Brief fender bender with Bob Hope outside adult bookstore. 9:52: I call the Spanish station again and hear a bunch of whistles in the background! I am a winner! Turns out I'll be spending the next week filming a movie with Kid Rock, and can I come down to the studio right now? "Si" (Yes)! 10:01: Very minor car accident. Suggest to the other driver we exchange insurance information, and they seem impressed that I drive with pen, paper and laptop computer at the ready. 10:06: Show up at banda station. No Kid Rock in sight, but everyone impressed by cowboy uniform. 10:08: Chaos. Woman Steve Harvey advised to buy a gun appears at station demanding to talk to DJ. Things pretty scary until, out of nowhere! Banda leaps out of its cage and attacks in a flurry of black and white. Everyone feeds it bamboo while saying things like, "that was close!" in Spanish. 10:09: Party at the L.A. Zoo. It's my birthday! 
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