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The Story of a Hip-Hop Chat Room by tim molloy Characters:
 (Row 1) Chris Chris' Mom Greg Dave (Row 2) Rich Kevin Old Guy Barry Row 3 A Black Dude (Pat) ---- Act 1 INTERIOR: A young white guy sits at his computer dressed in the latest hip-hop fashions. On his walls are posters of Snoop Dogg and Eminem. His mom walks in. Chris, when are you going to go out and make real friends? These people you're talking to on the Internet are thousands of miles away. Chris: Damn, mama, this town is whitebread! These people don't understand my struggle, mama, they ain't been through what I been through! Mom: Chris, we live in one of the nicest parts of St. Louis. Chris: Yo, I ain't tryin' to hear that. Right now me and my peoples are finsta hook it up for real, no more computer-type chillin'. We gon' do this, mama! We gon' do this! Act 2 INTERIOR. A hotel conference room with a large table and several chairs. Seven white guys, all dressed in hip-hop gear, file in and sit. Most are in their late teens or early twenties. They begin the meeting. Yo, welcome to the first annual in-person gathering of the Hip-HopEternal.com chat room. It's bangin' to finally put so many faces to names. Different people around the table: (All speaking at the same time and greeting each other) What's up twin. What's crackalackin'? Fa Rizzle. Off the hinges, dawg! Off the hinges! Greg: Although, damn, I had no idea so many white kids was into hip-hop. Dave: Yeah, definitely kid. I mean, I'm a white dude too, but from your log-in I thought you were some gangster from the hood. Chris: What's his log-in? Dave: Set Trippin' Black Dude. Greg: Aw, no, that's name's a double meaning, kid. Like when I'm onstage, I rip the set, knawmsayin'? Chris: Yo, I feel you. So you're a rapper? Greg: No. Dave: So when are the ladies getting here? Greg: Like who? Kevin: I dunno. LadySwift said she'd be here. Rich: That's me. Kevin: What? Rich: You know, like I'm swift with the ladies. Kevin: Ewww. Rich: In your e-mail you said I should sit on your lap at the meeting. Now you're like "Ewww"? Kevin: Look, whatever. The point is, we need some diversity up in this piece. Dave: Fa shizzle! Greg: Mos def, mos def. Chris: Like, what if each of us recruited, you know, a girl or a black dude and got them to join the chat room? Greg: Right. Kevin: True dat, son. Dave: Word, let's do this. Chris: I'm not saying we have to necessarily know the dude already. Or a girl. We could go meet them... like maybe in some other chat rooms. Kevin: Where's MC Too Black? He's in the chat room every day. Barry: That's me. Kevin: What? Barry: I dunno dude. It's like another double meaning. Dave: What about you is "too black?" Barry: I've always considered myself, like, black on the inside. Everyone around the table: Yo, I feel you dawg. Sho 'nuff. Mos def! Heezy sheezy fa nizzle my crizzle! Off the Hinges! Off the Hinges! Kevin: What about that one girl, SweatCandy? She's definitely black. And a girl. OK, I give. Chris: So as long as we're getting everything out in the open, who keeps logging in as Teddy Ruxpin? And who's the sexy college co-ed looking for male models? Yeah. I should go. Too bad GangstaSmurf ain't here. That homie always has some real good ideas. Barry: Sorry. ... That's also me. Rich: Yeah. Me too. Greg: Oh come on. So which of you is it? Well we have to draw the line somewhere. We can't have two of the same person. One of y'alls has to bounce. Peace y'alls... Whatever name you know me by. Everyone around the table: Take it easy, CrackaKiller. Bye, CripLoc213. Peace, HamsterGlock. Call me, Blackgirl315. Greg: What's his real name again? Kevin: It's Barry. Greg: Barry? Yeah, I guess I'd change it too. Um, excuse me fellas. Is this the tax rebate seminar? Uh, yeah! Mos def. What's up, brother? Black Dude: Um... Are you guys sure you're with the National Black Accountants Convention? I had no idea so many white kids was into being black acountants. Anyway, I'm Pat. Pat Fitzsimmons. Kevin: Make love to me. Pat -- don't go. Act 3 (Dictating to Pat) What's up, y'alls? Ladies and fellow black dudes, when are you coming to the meeting? It is extremely off the hook. See you soon and stay black! -- OK, hit "send." Pat: (Logging out and closing his laptop) There. You owe me 200 dollars. Dave: (Handing him the money) Thanks dawg. Pat: Look, it's none of my business, but have you guys considered making up new fake names for your chat room and never, ever meeting in person again? All: True dat! Mos def, twin, mos def! Fa sheezy! Word is bond, Pat! Hingety hinges! Pat: So anyway, nice meeting you. Dave: Hey, you too... So you're taking off? Pat: Well... there is one more thing, and I'm sorry for saying this. It's just... I'm really Barry. Me too. For more information on hip-hop, rap, or rap-hop, click here! |
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