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Hi, this is Ashley. I'm the smart one so I get to start. First, we'd like to thank lunchboxing.com for this chance to educate people about the domestic box office receipts for our exciting new film, New York Minute. It seems that whatever we've done this week -- hanging out at the mall, chilling with friends, sheltering revenue -- people have asked us about the film's "weak" $6.2 million opening weekend. It's true, $6.2 wasn't enough to overcome films like Van Helsing ($54 million), Mean Girls ($14 million) or Man on Fire ($8 million). But it's not exactly small change. Take it, Mary-Kate. Thanks, Ashley. Hi everyone. I'm Mary-Kate, the pretty one. Next month we'll be 18, and I'll be the hot one. But for now I'm just like a sweet little sister. A sweet little sister you think about while jerking your wang. Right, Ashley? Got it, Mary-Kate. By the way, did you know that some of the greatest films of all time, including Citizen Kane, The Wizard of Oz, and Casablanca, received far less money in their opening weekends than $6.2 million? Granted, that's not converted to 2004 dollars, but nonetheless. Right, Mary-Kate? Exactly, Ashley. The point is, $6.2 million is a lot of money, and it's not bad when you consider that most of the films that grossed more are likely Academy Awards candidates. Except Mean Girls, because the star, who will remain nameless, is a total bitch who's using the whole Lolita thing to try to have it both ways with fathers and daughters alike. Ha ha. That sounds soooooo gross. Your turn Ashley. 
Thanks Mary-Kate. Hey, did you know that ET, Star Wars, and Titanic had combined opening weekend grosses of only 6,000 times $6.2 million? That's right, it took all three films together to trounce our weekend gross 6,000 times over. Which means individually they only beat us a thousand times over, twice each. And do you realize how much money $6.2 million is? To put it in language our tween to teen audience can understand... Ashley, don't forget -- it's teens and tweens to dads. Shut up, Mary-Kate. To put $6.2 million in perspective, that's almost 600,000 Mary-Kate and Ashley Makeup Compacts, 483,000 Mary-Kate and Ashley Hot Nails home manicure kits, or 295,000 shares in Cablevision Systems Corp. Right Mary-Kate? Right Ashley! And dads, it's the same as 650,000 copies of "Barely Legal." Goddammit Mary-Kate. But yes, those number are accurate. So, in summary, please go see our film, which is a huge hit. Right Mary-Kate? Exactly! Go see New York Minute today. We're naked in it. Check out the last edition of Celebrity Image Rehabilitation Corner featuring Mel Gibson! |
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