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Woopity-hoo, my lucky day. Some Web site I've never heard of has invited me, Mel Gibson, to write the first column for their new feature, "Celebrity Image Rehabilitation Corner." Yippidee hoo-dah. Apparently someone with a lot of time on his hands thinks my image needs rehabilitating. Someone who's never heard of a little book called THE HOLY GOSPELS. But hey, what the heck. Why not go over this one more time? Apparently, along with making millions of dollars, changing lives, etc., my film The Passion of the Christ has drawn a few cries of anti-Semitism. I've responded to these before, but zappa-dappa-doo, here we go again. So, let me ask you something. Is there any reference in my film to the money lenders? What's that? No? Okay. What about the plot to take over the world's governments? No again? Okay. Then tell me, friend, are there any eaters of Gentile flesh? Or hoax Holocaust deniers? No and no again? Well in that case, ATTENTION ALL JEWS: You're welcome. For all the claims that my film supposedly inflames anger against people of the, shall we say, Jesus-hating persuasion, I decided to leave out all of the above portrayals, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE IN THE BIBLE. I did this by choice. No one in the Jewish media forced me to. Moving on. Do you remember the scene where Jesus gets on his motorcycle and kills the Samurai on the minefield? Or the scene where the Roman soldiers tie Him and His partner up and force feed them? Or where He is electrocuted? What? Did you miss those scenes? Well maybe that's because I AGAIN CUT THEM FROM THE FILM VOLUNTARILY. I could have left any of these sequences in the film, since they are in The Bible, but I decided to use a little something called restraint, which you may have read about in a little something called THE NEW TESTAMENT of a book called THE BIBLE. Today I was talking to one of my nine sons, who asked me, "Daddy, why are the Jews trying to demonize you and ruin your reputation, just like they killed Jesus and split him in half with giant magnets, as you read to me from THE BIBLE?" "Now wait one minute," I told him. "This is a house of love, which is why your mother and I use the pull-out method. Do you really want to sink to 'their' level?" Then I winked at him to make sure he got the message. I could tell he was still a little bit confused, so I went on. "The answer," I explained, "is no. Christians don't think that way. Now go on young man, and play outside." I patted his head and he scampered off, nimbly dodging some lightning. Teaching my children about religion and beliefs and whatnot often leaves me feeling reverent, and today was no exception. I reached for The Bible and read the part where God tells Bugs Bunny to build an ark. Yibbee-dibbee-doo. |
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