|
 |
"HIPSTER FLAT" -- a new reality show by jeremy padow I'll admit I'm a sucker for reality shows. I try to emit a holier-than thou attitude about the genre, but there's something irresistible about seeing perfectly toned and shallow men and women vying for some kind of prize, whether it be working for Donald Trump or marrying a little person. As much as I like reality TV, I find it lacking in diversity. The token black guy or Asian girl are just carbon copies of the alpha males and females dominating the show, and they usually get eliminated after three episodes. But even less represented than blacks, Latinos, and Asians is the quintessential hipster. You know the type. They dwell in Silverlake, Williamsburg, and The Mission. They wore trucker hats before Ashton Kutcher made them cool to US Magazine readers. They're into bands nobody's heard of. And they are ironic, but think irony is like a free ride when you're already there. Well, I feel it's high-time for a reality show filled with hipsters. Enough of the six-pack abs and breast implants. It's time for Elvis Costello glasses, vintage T-shirts, and non-sorority inspired tattoos. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, "HIPSTER FLAT." The show is set in San Francisco. The premise is as follows. Four hipsters who cannot afford their individual rents are given a month's stay in a Victorian flat in one of the dodgier areas, east of Mission Street. They do not have to pay rent, but they must agree that cameras will follow and record each of their moves. Meet our contestants: 
CLAUDINE - This polyamorous lesbian activist was very involved with Matt Gonzalez's failed mayoral campaign and like many of his supporters could not tell you the first thing about any of his political stances. She is an avid bicyclist, who refuses to wear a helmet, and just loves participating in Critical Mass. You can find her most evenings at Zeitgeist bar, and by day she is a counselor at the LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender) Center. BILLY - A dead ringer for Noel Gallagher, he plays bass in a local band. He bartends two nights a week at 26 Mix, works at Green Apple bookstore, and has started a webzine that he hopes will overthrow Pitchfork Media. JEANNIE - She wears hipster glasses and is a huge indie rock fan, collecting music in all shapes and sizes -- mp3, cd, vinyl, even 8-track for kitsch value. She's getting her master's in Feminist Philosophy in Third World Countries at The New College on Valencia and works weekends at the Atlas Cafe. HAROLD - He is the resident movie geek. A lifetime member of Lost Weekend Video, he refuses to set foot in Blockbuster, and rarely sees movies at the Metreon or AMC. French movie posters adorn his walls, and he is the proud owner of a 16 mm print of "Day of the Triffids", even if he has no movie projector. He just got fired from a non-profit, but luckily has friends who work at the Landmark Embarcadero and get him free movie tickets. Challenge #1: Each hipster is only allowed to bring one box of books and one box of records and CDs to their new home. And they need to fit it all into one bookcase! There is a MONTAGE set to Weezer's "The World Has Turned and Left Me Here," in which they all burn their music collections to their individual iPods. (For some reason, all hipsters seem to have $500 iPods even though they are perpetually broke). There is now plenty of room in the bookcase for Jeannie's substantial vinyl collection. But there's still the book issue... Well, it's a good thing they all have the same books -- Tom Robbins, Thomas Pychon, Dom Delileo, Irvine Welsh, Chuck Palahniuk, Kurt Vonnegut, Thomas Heller, Vladimir Nabakov, and of course Kerouac and the gang. They manage to fit all their books in there, even having room for multiple copies of some titles -- including Harold's signed copy of Choke that Chuck signed for him at A Clean Well Lighted Place for Books. Challenge #2: They are given $20 for the four of them to go food shopping at Rainbow Grocery. In addition to the challenge of having to buy enough food for the weekend, the guys are forced to wear shirts of the Israeli flag, which as any San Franciscan knows is not popular couture at Rainbow. They buy a lot of tofu and the guys avoid getting their asses kicked by telling the pro-Palestine Rainbow Grocery co-op workforce that they're wearing the shirts ironically. Challenge #3: Once again, all four hipsters share $20. Their mission: to get shitfaced. Billy's friend at 26 Mix gets them a few pitchers of Pabst, but the place is so shoulder-to-shoulder hipster, they decide to leave for a change of scenery and to go somewhere less claustrophobic. They know enough bartenders in town between the four of them, so... MONTAGE of them hitting all the watering holes in the Mission and getting favors, set to Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out." But their collective tolerance is so high after years of boozing it up that they simply cannot get drunk! They finally just go to a liquor store and buy 151 Everclear. Throughout the evening Harold has been trying to score with Jeannie by doing his imitation of Mad Max. He pontificates about how Mel Gibson used to be cool, especially in Max Max 2, which he points out was retitled The Road Warrior (don't even get him started on the dubbed version of Mad Max). But then it was all downhill after Lethal Weapon 2, with the exception of Braveheart. Meanwhile, Jeannie has her eyes on Billy, since he's a musician, though he really isn't that good. But that Oasis look gets those hipster girls going. He smokes too many cigarettes for her taste, but that's okay, he's got an oral fixation and probably likes to eat pussy (but of course this is bleeped out, since we don't want to get slapped with a $500,000 fine from the FCC). Claudine has the hots for Jeannie. She senses bisexual tendencies from her and the booze always lowers ye ole inhibitions. Claudine feels she may get lucky tonight, though she feels stupid for talking so much about Matt Gonzalez. Final Challenge: They have to walk back home without getting jumped by the hipster-despising gang-bangers who live in the neighborhood. They get verbally harassed -- especially the ladies -- but nothing too major happens. Claudine complains that sometimes San Francisco is not that progressive after all. The next morning they all wake up very hung-over. Claudine's in bed with Billy. Jeannie's in bed alone. Harold's passed out in a pool of vomit in the kitchen. He wakes up quoting This is Spinal Tap: "You can't really dust for vomit prints." Then he passes out again. Billy wakes up and freaks out that he's in bed next to Claudine. He sneaks into the kitchen to make coffee, waking Harold up again. Harold was sure Billy would hook up with Jeannie, so he's excited to learn that he wound up in bed with Claudine. Billy says, "Don't tell anyone. Please!" He makes coffee. They drink their coffee and the doorbell rings. They go to get it. Cliffhanger: Four yuppies from the Marina show up with suitcases. Meet: 
GWEN - A coffee addict and thinks Starbucks is the bomb. She is a yoga and pilates fanatic and is also an avid jogger. She will miss running on Chrissy Fields, but looks forward to doing so at Dolores Park and also hopes to explore other parts of the Mission besides 16th and Valencia. ROBERT - an investment banker with a predilection for cocaine. His coke dealer actually lives in the Mission, so he is now excited to be able to walk to his house instead of having to worry about parking his Beamer and finding "Die Yuppie" stickers plastered on it. He thinks Gordon Gekko in "Wall Street" was a pussy. JANET - She's never been more than three months without a boyfriend who has fully subsidized her spending sprees at Neiman Marcus. She is presently in one of her boyfriend-free junctures, and with her poor credit history really could use the free rent. She also looks forward to having her first job since college, maybe at a cute coffee house or something. NICHOLAS - Even though he works for a non-profit, he has tons of money -- it always helps to have a trust fund. Since he doesn't have to worry about surviving on his modest salary, he can afford to dine at fancy restaurants, and more importantly, travel extensively. Gwen tells Billy they are the new roommates and that she is so excited to live in the Mission, since she heard it was so cool. She then asks if there's a Starbucks nearby. Bill turns to Harold and gives him an "I can't believe this shit!" expression. Stay tuned next week for another exciting episode of "HIPSTER FLAT." |
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| lunchboxing.com 2003 | all content © | all rights reserved | suck it so hard | feel the rhythm of the night |
