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 Last week Tim Molloy flew up from Los Angeles and we performed a sketch and showed some videos at The Killing My Lobster Kabaret at The Make Out Room in San Francisco. For those of you unfamiliar with Killing My Lobster (KML), they are (as far as I am concerned), the Bay Areas best sketch comedy group. I have only seen them a couple times, but their shows are super well produced and hilarious. They also make some great short videos, and have a dynamic and entertaining website. Anyways, they have this monthly variety cabaret where they showcase a bunch of up and coming comedians and musicians. The proceeds go to aid the homeless, which is an added bonus. We were invited to participate at their end of the year gala and so we spent the last week writing a sketch to perform as a lead in to playing some LUBO videos at the show. We had a lot of fun, but in retrospect there are a few things we could have done differently. Here is a recap of the event's festivities, complete with a sketch transcript and my commentary. 5:30 PM I left work. It was freezing outside and pouring rain. Luckily I brought a shitty umbrella so that only my socks, shoes and pants were completely soaked. Yay! I took the BART from Montgomery to 16th St/Mission. I got off to the sweet smells of Mexican food and walked up 16th towards Valencia. I passed by several amazing taquerias but instead stopped for a slice of pizza at Cable Car in order to save room for a post-show burrito at El Farrolito. The pizza was pretty "meh." Cable Car is a lot better when you are drunk and starving. But it filled me up, and gave me the energy I needed to trek the 6 blocks in pouring rain up to the Make Out Room at 22nd and Mission. 6:30 I take shelter inside Aquarius Records. Seriously best little record shop in the city. The employees know their shit, and most releases have colorful little reviews written on them, which makes all the difference when you are checking out new and obscure stuff. I checked out a Coctails box set that was recently released. Looked like a lot of fun. Something to buy when I am rich. I put it back and headed towards the venue. 6:45 I get inside the Make Out Room. I order a Jim Beam on the rocks and review the script a few times. Feelin' pretty psyched about it. I plug in and charge my camera (which will be used to play the videos), and wait to hear from Tim, who was flying into Oakland from LAX. He is late and we have only rehearsed this sketch on the phone. Yay! 7:00 Chiara arrives. Then Tim calls. He is around the corner. Sweet. He gets in and we go across the street to Papa Toby's so they can get some food. We rehearse a couple times. We got it. The guy at Papa Toby's lets us borrow a bottle of ketchup to use as blood as part of the sketch. Yes, the sketch requires blood. Super drama! 7:45 We test my camera with the video projector. After scrambling all night the evening prior to find the right adapter, it doesn't work. Story of my life (useless adapters). Luckily, Paul of KML has his camera there. Problem solved. We are ready to go! 8:15 Show starts! The crowd is large, maybe 100 people or so packed into the bar. I recognize almost nobody which is a great thing. It's always a good test to perform in front of crowds that aren't made up of 75% friends and family. The host for the evening is Paco Romane. Paco and I worked at a website called localmusic.com back in 2000. Worst website ever. But that's another story. Anyways, it is Paco who hooked up the gig for us, so we are very grateful. Paco proves to be a great host. He has great stage presence and quite the dapper wardrobe. (I wish I had pictures... stay tuned and I will put up some video footage!) 9:00 First half of the show is over. I didn't get to see much of it, as I was outside rehearsing my bit with Tim in the rain. But the KML dudes made some laffers, and Sweet Noodle and his blues rock trio played a short set which the audience seemed to dig. Sweet Noodle. Best name ever? 9:15 We are just about on! I make sure the videos are all ready to go and then Paco gets on stage, says some words and invites us up. The reception is very warm and we are all pumped and ready to go. Here is the transcript we worked from. I will put my commentary in red. The New Years Resolutions Skit by jamie flam and tim molloy Jamie: So how's everyone doing tonight? We having some fun or what? Well, as Paco mentioned I am Jamie Flam. (I love saying my name on stage.) Tim: And I am Tim Molloy. (So does Tim.) Jamie: And we write and produce silly commentary and video for lunchboxing.com. We brought a couple videos tonight, but they are very short and we have a little time to spare so I thought we'd talk a little bit about something that's probably on a lot of our minds these days: New Year's resolutions. Tim: Now about this time last year we wrote out our resolutions for 2004. So we thought, being that there are only three days left in the year, it would be fun to break out those resolutions, and take stock of the accomplishments we have or haven't made. Jamie: (as we are pulling the resolutions out of our pockets) This should be fun! Keep in mind that this is the first time we've looked at these in a year. (breaks out, unfolds paper) Ok, I guess I'll start! Looks here like my first resolution last year was to... put on 15 pounds... and grow shitty, shitty facial hair. (At this point the crowd is pumped and hanging on to our every word.) Tim: Bullseye! Jamie, that is a really shitty beard! Jamie: Thanks... Tim: And the 15 pounds, wow! Jamie: It's been a long year. Tim: Was it only 15? Not like 20, or 25? Jamie: I get it. (Big laughs. The people love the diggin' about my weight gain and shitty beard. It's all true by the way... I have been kinda testing out limits of my facial hair lately and it's pretty shitty looking. At the time of performance it was a full beard. As of publishing time it is a shitty goatee. Really shitty. Also, I started 2004 at 148 pounds, and right now I am at 162. OUCH! That's a lot of burritos. And not so much exercise. Stay tuned for a New Years feature chronicling my goal to get back down into the 140's...) Tim: And the beard, it really is... Jamie: (yelled) Jesus Shitchrist, Tim! (pause.) Tim: Sorry. Jamie: Moving on... let's see here... my other resolution: Stop saying Jesus Shitchrist. (Big laughs.) Tim, don't you have a resolution? Tim: Yes, my first resolution was to... get a job working for President Howard Dean. Jamie: And how did that work out? Tim: Fuck YOU Jamie. (There were a few scattered laughs and a couple of boo's for the Howard Dean reference, and the "Fuck YOU" got some chuckles because it is a naughty expression!) Jamie: Nice! Ok, so my next resolution was to... go by myself to the Sonoran desert, eat a huge bag of peyote, and become "one with Mother Earth." Tim: Oh wow, were you able to get that done? Jamie: Remember in August when I called you collect from that Mexican prison? Tim: And you literally thought you were "Angelhawk: Destroyer of Evil!" Jamie: That's right! Tim: So that's another New Year's resolution accomplished. Jamie: Actually that was... completely unrelated. Thanks again for bailing me out, though. That was sweet of you. (I think the mention of peyote was well-received, but perhaps the Angelhawk line went over people's heads? Sounds about right.) Tim: No sweat. And speaking of Mexican prisons, one of my resolutions was to learn Spanish. Jamie: And so how did that turn out? Tim: See for yourself: "Tu esta una burrito muy triste." Jamie: Did you just call me a very sad burrito? Tim: Exactamente. So what was your next resolution? (Big laughs. Burrito references seem to be comedy gold. In fact, I think Mexican culture and cuisine is a pretty safe bet in general.) Jamie: Let's see, what else... I made a resolution to adopt three refugee Cambodian children. (Some scattered laughs and a few "Ooooh's." Is that offensive? I mean, people adopt Cambodian refugees all the time, right? I think some people are trained to find any references to race, culture, or nationality instantly offensive. Their loss, cause it gets pretty good here...) Tim: That's very sweet. And what's new with Khemera, Pheakdei, and Veasna doing? Jamie: I've got two words for you: Teenage angst! From acne to unexpected pregnancy, they are a handful. Tim: Oh by the way, when does Pheakdei... turn 18? Jamie: Tim, that's digusting... (below breath) In 22 months. (I added that final joke in a couple hours before the show. I liked it a lot but I don't think the audience caught it. At this point I was thinking the audience was growing tired of our resolutions...) Tim: Okay, okay. And there's one resolution we made together: to perform a "new years resolution sketch" as part of a two-man comedy team in a dimly lit bar filled with approximately 100 people at a bar called the Make Out Room in San Francisco's historic Mission District. Jamie and Tim: Awww! Jamie: Look at us! (We hug.) (Tim mistakenly called it "The Make Out Club" which got some scorn from the audience, but the joke got some laughs nonetheless and when we hugged we got a lot of cheers. People seemed to like that a lot. Seemed like they were really rooting for us. Which means they just wanted to laugh real bad. Unfortunately for them, I think this is when things took a slight turn for the worse...) Jamie: Resolutions are fun, aren't they? You know, I bet some of the members of this audience have some resolutions for the coming year. Tim: Yeah, like... you, sir. Maybe this year you'll buy some nicer clothes, that don't need patches. (I love this line. Tim found some fella in front and pointed him out. Pretty harmless jab. Got a lot of "ooooh's." But nothing compared to my line.) Jamie: And you, m'am, perhaps 2005 is the year you'll finally get rid of those unsightly varicose veins on your forehead. WOW. I didn't even know you could have vericose veins there! (I looked at this girl in the front row when I said that... LOTS of oooh's and I felt really bad even though she didn't have any vericose veins in her forehead. I think the audience started to see us as slightly hostile at this point. Not the fun loving fellas they had grown to love in the first half of the sketch.) Tim: And you, perhaps you'll stop stealing from local orphanages to fund your expensive crystal meth addiction. (This line got a few laughs... but they were short lived.) Jamie: And you in back, maybe this is the year you will finally STOP FUCKING YOUR GERMAN SHEPHERD! (My uncle was standing in the back of the room and I looked directly at him when I YELLED that accusatory line. Then Tim and I kinda went on with lines like "That is digusting!," "Poor dog!," etc.. I felt bad staring at my uncle, especially since I thought it was going to get a huge laugh, but apparently accusing someone of fucking a dog is not so funny. The place was literally silent. In retrospect, accusing audience members of committing heinous crimes or having vericose veins in their forehead is not the best way to get on their good side. Especially when I think part of what makes our act fun is that we are charming non-threatening fellas... Anyway, this set the tone for the rest of the act. Lessons were learned.) (Jamie and Tim give a collective sigh) Tim: So, Jamie, have you had a chance to make any New Year's resolutions for THIS year? Jamie: To be completely honest, I haven't really thought about it. Tim: Well, you'd better think of one soon if you're gonna do it. Jamie: I don't really have any ideas... What's your resolution? Tim: Um, okay. Well, I'm gonna lose five pounds -- maybe jog a little more -- oh, and learn to play the saxophone. See? It's easy! Jamie: (thinking about it): Well... okay. Then... um... oh! Okay. I'm gonna stop abducting teenage boys in my purple van. (Silence.) Tim: Uhhhhhh... Jamie: AND I'm gonna learn to play saxophone. (I think the audience really wanted us to become good guys again, but once the idea of abducting teenage boys in vans came up, we completely lost them. The rest of the skit, the audience was pretty much silent. Perhaps they were just captivated by it all, I mean for a bar crowd they were certainly keeping their attention focused, but the reactions were minimal.) Tim: I'm sorry? Did you just say.. Jamie, did I just hear you say you're gonna... learn to play saxophone? Because that's MY resolution. Jamie: I know, when you mentioned it, you reminded me. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time. Tim: That's really lame. You're stealing my saxophone resolution. Jamie: Look, I'd actually thought of it before. We can share. Tim: Yeah, that's just.. it's stealing. Jamie: WHATEVER. (Silence.) Tim: Also, that thing you said before... When did you get a purple van? Jamie: A few months ago. I really don't drive it except when I'm abducting teenage boys. (Silence.) Tim: Well, okay, since you mentioned it, what's this abducting all about? Jamie: Yeah, I'm gonna stop. It just totally fucks up the upholstery. (zing!) Tim: Jamie, how long have you been, um, abducting people? It sounds, you know, ILLEGAL. Jamie: Look, I didn't shit all over your resolution to lose five pounds! (double zing!) Tim: Well, what are you doing with these boys after you abduct them? Jamie: What do you think I do? I make them run through an elaborate maze in my basement. (Silence.) Tim: And then what? Jamie: It's not like I hurt them. I just watch them through infra-red glasses... while pretending to play saxophone. (I really think this is funny stuff. Perhaps it would work better in a theatre venue with less distractions. I think if you miss one small piece of this dialogue you kinda just have no idea what is going on. I say this because I remember the audience still being more or less silent at this point.) Tim: THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT, JAMIE! You do NOT do that and you know it. You're just trying to make it sound like you were into saxophone before I mentioned it. Jamie: Honestly, I've been doing it all along. It's my "little thing." Tim: Do you have any proof? Jamie: I don't need proof! I'M THE SAXOPHONE KILLER! (Tim suddenly begins shouting into his jacket, as if wearing a hidden microphone.) Tim: We've got him! We've got a confession! Move it! MOVE! (At this point, a friend of Tim's came up as a police officer and literally dragged me off stage. As we entered the back room I could hear the audience cheering wildly! I think they were just excited to see some action on stage [or perhaps see me gone?] and all of a sudden the came back to life. It was an exciting development.) Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, I'm not really an actor. I'm a seasoned detective from the city's elite homicide unit. And by playing along with our little skit tonight you've helped us capture the Saxophone Killer. So thank you for pretending to be watching a comedy show, and for pretending there's a holiday called "New Year's" where people make resolutions. Give yourselves a big hand. (During the clapping, one or both of the officers scream horribly. Jamie runs back on stage, covered in fake blood and wearing broken shackles. Tim and Jamie look at each other in silence.) (So I run back on stage. I smeared ketchup on my face in back while Tim was giving his speech to make it look as though I had struggled to break free of the cops. People laughed. Perhaps they understood what was going on afterall... or else it is just funny to see a hefty boy with a shitty beard and ketchup all over his face in any circumstances.) Tim: This is awkward. Jamie and Tim: End... scene! (We bow.) (We take a bow and now we are transformed back into the original and charming Tim and Jamie characters we started with. I introduce the videos and people are smiling and happy and clapping and we feel pretty good. For the record, we played Menorah Madness, Santa Saves A Jew, and Dogs With Hats. So that was our act at the December 2004 KML Kabaret. Overall, it was a wonderful experience. Not only did we have fun, but we learned a lot about what works on stage, what scares people (teen abductions/vericose veins/yelling), what makes people laugh (peyote/burritos), and that simplicity is key. We also met a lot of great people and despite the extended silence we got a lot of great feedback. Hopefully we will be invited back. If not we will just have to go back to EATING PEYOTE and SUPER BURRITOS! |
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