|
 |
Review: The First 20 Minutes of Stuck On You by jamie flam A few nights ago I was at Blockbuster (I am still too lazy to sign up for Netflix), and came across the Farrelly Brothers' latest film, Stuck On You, starring Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear. I looked at the box for roughly four seconds, thought to myself, "I bet that movie sucks fat balls," and continued walking. I may or may not have scratched my own balls at that point. If I did, it was probably as a direct result of having said the words, "fat balls," in my brain a few seconds earlier. I just don't remember for sure, and don't feel comfortable stretching the truth, even in a silly review such as this. It's just who I am. The reason I bring up the whole scratching my balls thing is because I just now scratched my balls. I think as a subconscious result of having just written "fat balls" several times, which as I mentioned, crossed through my head at Blockbuster the other night, hence my belief that I may have scratched them then as well. But enough about fat balls. For now, at least. Fuck. I can't do it. Fat Balls, fat Balls Fat BalLs, Phat Balls, Phat fat Balls, FaT bAlLs, fat balls, fat balls, PHAT BALLS, fat BALLS, Fat Ballz, fat balLz, Balls, Fat, (super) fat balls, fat fat balls balls, Fat balls, fat Balls, fat balls infinity. So my sweet n' special friend Chiara invited me over to watch some DVDs last night, and sure enough, Stuck On You was one of the bunch, and sure enough it's the one she wanted to watch when I arrived, and sure enough, through twenty minutes, give or take ten, it sucked fat balls. Here are some reasons: 1. Matt Damon is pretty annoying. I liked Good Will Hunting, and enjoyed the one movie where he is in Italy and he kills some people, and it's all scenic and gorgeous and stuff, but that might just be because Jude Law was involved, and Jude Law is one handsome fella who makes me feel fantastic about having a receding hair line. Anyways, overall, Matt Damon doesn't annoy me like Ben Affleck does, but I don't think he is cut out to play any remotely slapstick-funny roles, even if they can be viewed as "challenging," which I bet this role was labeled by people that label roles, God bless them. Still, as annoying as he was, he was no Greg Kinnear. Through twenty minutes, at least.  2. Greg Kinnear is extremely annoying. Overall, he doesn't annoy me like Ben Affleck does, but I don't think he is cut out to play any remotely slapstick-funny roles. He was funny on Talk Soup, and I think that's it. He was in some psychological horror flick a few years back, and wasn't funny in that either. I don't think he was really supposed to be, but that doesn't change the fact that he wasn't. But watching him "act" in a "fun but challenging" role was borderline excruciating, through twenty minutes at least. 3. The Farrelly Brothers' offensive attempt to show heart. In every movie they do, these guys try to show some heart, and in their most recent films, they attempt to convey very serious messages through laughter. But unlike 2001's infamously terrible Shallow Hal, where after 90 minutes of saying fat people are ugly and disgusting and take up a ton of space, they innocently wrap it up by saying fat people aren't ugly and digusting and don't take up a ton of space, so that the audience leaves saying "that was cute," Stuck On You starts throwing out the "disabled people are people too, despite being hilariously retarded and different and easy to capitalize on bullshit" within the first twenty minutes. It starts with the scene where a bunch of people stand up for the developmentally disabled adult male employee of the local burger joint when a patron threatens him after soda spills on his wife's pants. Throw-up town! Heart is OK in movies. Just not throw-up town heart. 4. The movie just didn't make sense. Is it too much to ask that the jokes be funny and make sense? I mean, yeah, I get it, the guys are Siamese Twins, attached at the hips. This makes life more difficult for them, as opposed than say, people who aren't attached at the hips. But is that funny? In a way, yes. But in a Greg Kinnear-Matt Damon way, no. Not at all. Just don't get it. Maybe it's me. But for Godsakes, these guys made Kingpin. No excuses. I could have watched the rest of the movie, but I didn't want to. For the above reasons. Also, I thought it would be unique and fun to review the first twenty minutes, as opposed to the whole thing. Also, I was super tired. So my recommendation is that you not see this movie, and get the new Modest Mouse album instead. It's real good and I give it 100 stars out of 100 stars as opposed to the first twenty minutes of Stuck On You, which gets maybe 70 stars (out of 2,000). |
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| lunchboxing.com 2003 | all content © | all rights reserved | suck it so hard | feel the rhythm of the night |
