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by jamie flam Interesting Fact: A picture is worth a thousand words. Three pictures, however, are worth a combined total of 775ish words. TOTALLY AWESOME CAR IN FRONT OF FIGHTER JET!!! 
"Hey dude, check out this sweet ass poster I just got for my room! They were selling it in the Scholastic Reader and my mom let me get it instead of books! It's sooooooooo cooool! It's a Koenigsegg CC in front of a super awesome F-11ish Fighter Jet for no apparent reason other than the fact that they are both totally righteous!!!! Dude, this thing has a mid-mounted supercharged and intercooled 32-valve quad cam alloy 4.7 liter V-8 engine that goes from 0 to 62 mph in under 3.5 seconds!!! The chassis is integrated semi-monocoque with pre-impregnated carbon fiber (woven and unidirectional) and aluminum honeycomb sandwich construction. I don't know what any of that means, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that the direct translation is bad-fucking-ASS. Seriously dude, one day I am going to own one of those things and drive it all around town with my smoking ass hot blonde girlfriend. Her name? Oh you may have heard of her... CHRISTIE motherfucking BRINKLEY! When you roll around in a 450,000 dollar car like this, the world is your playground, and chicks like Christie Brinkley and Brooke Shields want to play with your boner all the time! I should know, my older brother Troy told me, and he's in high school for CHRISSAKES!!!!! Shit, I may only be ten, but I'm not naive like that fucker Marshall who wears sweatpants to school. No not me. I am going to start preparing now for a life of amazingness by waking up each morning facing a wall that adorns this here poster of everything I ever want to be, sans major babeage." "Hector's Compassion" 
Evelyn giggled as she sheepishly removed the transparent satin shawl from her shoulders and delicately placed it on the chair at the rear of the parlor. Meanwhile, Hector sat as patiently as he could on the foot of the couch, smoothing his Daliesque/turn of the century railroad-tycoonish moustache with a devilish smile. For Hector knew something that perhaps Evelyn did not: one way or another, a handjob was an excitingly inevitable reality this evening. BlOoD cAMp!!!!! 
"Listen, mom. I love you. And I'll be damned if you don't feel the same way about me. I mean, sure, there's the whole "you giving birth to me" thing. You know, a sort of "not having a choice in the matter," "you can't pick your family" type deal where we love each other unconditionally. There's just no denying, we are a close knit family unit, and I consider you more than just a mom; I consider you a friend. That said, I want you to hear me out for just a second. A couple minutes is all I ask. You see, mom, believe it or not I am almost 12 years old now. Time certainly does fly doesn't it? Seems like just yesterday I was learning to walk, learning to speak, getting piggy back rides from you and dad. Shit, if my growth spurt continues at this rate I'll be give you piggy back rides before long!! Absolutely insane, wouldn't you say? Even wilder, all these years of Hebrew School will be coming to fruition in just over a year, and I know you have to be excited about that. I know I am. I'm sure I will read from the Torah on my Bar Mitzvah day with the same zeal and excitement as dad did at his and his father before him and his father's father before him! But I find myself rambling. You see, the reason I have come to you today isn't to take a walk down memory lane, or to look into what is shaping up to be a promising future. The reason I come before you today is to plead with you just one more time... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME TO BLOOD CAMP AGAIN THIS YEAR!!! Surely, three consecutive summers is enough TORTURE for one kid to take! Summers are a BREAK from the grind of grade school, and I would much prefer PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS or SIT AT HOME ALL DAY than ENDURE THE HELL THAT IS BLOOD CAMP!!! Is that too much to ask?? I beg of you, nay, I plead! Please, please don't put me through it again. The tests, the videos, the screaming, the fainting... just thinking about last Fourth of July is making my stomach turn. So please, mom, just think it over. I trust that you will make a fair decision based on my hate of blood and love of fun. Thank you. Please?!?" |
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