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 Cents n' Cents 3: Luring Cash by jamie flam It's Springtime and love is in the air. You got a certain special someone and you want to show them that you care. Naturally, your first instinct is to go to a local lake, take your little lady out on a boat, attach hundred dollar bills to a fishing rod and cast them to the fish in a clever display of machismo and free spiritedness. "The fish is biting," you say with a wink, as you fake a power struggle. Then you carelessly throw the $500 dollar fishing rod you bought just for this occasion into the lake as your gentle leg caressing becomes a passionate love making session aboard the S.S. Frenchman. Sound familiar? Well, it's happened to all of us at one point or another, and we all know that it's all fun and games until you row yourself back to shore and realize that you only have $6000 cash on you for dinner and a show. How can one pull off a romantic day on the lake and come back with more than just a penny in his pocket? Here are some sure-fire tips that'll have you "rowing your boat gently down the stream (of cash)"! Let's first look at the hundred dollar bills on the fishing rod. Instead of using 9 or 10 hundred dollar bills, use 49 or 50 twenties. It's gonna cost you just as much, but the hook will look far denser, and trust me: you want the hook to look dense. It will add some weight to the main line and the power struggle will look that more realistic. Your lovely sea-faring lady will be so impressed by your skills that she will hardly notice when you break out the Sevruga caviar instead of the Fresh Beluga (a $35 savings!) to spread on the Carr's dinner crackers you have packed in your picnic basket. That's $35 bucks you can throw in a wishing well later in the evening! Now, let's take a look at your fishing rod. Chances are you spent five hundred to a thousand dollars on an expensive reel/rod/line/tackle combo set at a specialty store. Instead of wasting your money on that mess, invest in five St. Croix Avid Series Trigger Rods. With a $165 dollar price tag, you simply can't go wrong. Five cheaper rods will end up costing you more in the end, but throwing multiple rods into the lake will make your special someone overlook the fact that you opted for a Morbier instead of a Charolais semi-soft cheese (A $22 dollar savings!) to spread on the rest of your crackers. Now the $35 dollars you saved on caviar will have some company in the wishing well! Now, the important stuff. After the evening is complete, and you have succesfully made sweet love to your lover, quietly leave the house and go directly to your nearest wishing well. Make sure you have the $57 dollars you saved on caviar and cheese, along with any gold and silver you own. When you get to the well, say the following: Holy ghost angel, I sacrifice my gold and silver unto thou. Also, here is $57 dollar-bucks. Let this come back to me three-fold. [Count to 50] I also pray for no murders. Now, take off running back home. When you get there and your sweet lover baby asks where you were and why you are sweating and how come you are wearing a dirty parka, put your fingers in her mouth and say "Hush child, don't speak" in a whispered tone. If they can't breathe and get scared then you are doing something wrong. Very wrong. Gently remove your hand and then say, "Let's just say I was investing in our future." Then wink, jump into bed (with parka), and hope to fall asleep before they can question you anymore. A few hours later, when your honey booboo pie is sleeping, stare at them maniacally uttering "Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream," over and over and over again. The look on their face when they rise will be "priceless", and there's no better value than that! Thank you! Cents "n" Cents 2: Fiscal Fresh! Cents "n" Cents 1 |
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