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"The Interview"
-A Two Scene Play by Frankie and Jamie-
SCENE 1: "Preparing for the Interview"
Jamie has an interview at Frankie's company: Green
Card Greeting Company. The position is in the
Halloween/Religious card department.
Jamie and Frankie are at a local coffee shop together.
Frankie: So, you ready for your big interview
tomorrow?
Jamie: I've only been preparing for the last three
weeks (laughs). I'm kind of nervous. But seriously,
if I get this, it will be my first job in three years.
Frankie: Wait a sec...What have you been doing the last three
years if you haven't been working??
Jamie: Well there was that brief stint with the Orlando
magic...
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, hold on...you played with the Orlando
Magic? With Shaq and Dennis Scott and everything?
Jamie: No, no. TNT was just playing their games for a
while and I was really following it.
Frankie: Wait a minute. I thought you were a Laker fan?
Jamie: They have a pretty good squad too!
Frankie: O.K., so what else?
Jamie: Ummm...that was about it. But with my strong resume,
I'm pretty optimistic about tomorrow.
Frankie: Well about the job, it's...
Jamie: Wait a sec. Is your workplace handicap accessible?
Frankie: Yes, but...
Jamie: How about a water fountain?
Frankie: (annoyed) Yes! It's by the elevator.
Jamie: Cool. I can already tell I'm gonna like it here.
I mean there. Where do you work again?
Frankie: Yeah, as I was saying, you are applying in the
Halloween and Religious card division.
Jamie: Am I going to have to give them an address?
Because I still live in the back of my mom's Subaru...
Frankie: What?
Jamie: Oh, forget it, I can just give 'em the license
plate number. So what are you doing tonight, dude?
Frankie: (very annoyed) Don't you want to hear more about
the job??
Jamie: What do you mean?
Frankie: JESUS. Look, they are going to ask you three VERY
basic questions and if you come even close to
answering them, you'll get the job for sure.
Jamie: Will you be there?
Frankie: No. I definitely won't be there. I will be at my
desk, working. On cards.
Jamie: Well, I hope they don't ask me about my experience
with the Orlando Magic. I was more into their team
colors than anything else.
Frankie: (still annoyed) I PROMISE you they won't ask you
anything about the Orlando magic. They are going to
ask you the following questions, pay attention. What
is your favorite holiday? What's your weekend
schedule? And if you've ever volunteered as a big
brother.
Jamie: Damn, that sounds too easy. So uh, (slyly) what's
YOUR favorite holiday, Frankie?
Frankie: Canada Day.
Jamie: No kidding. Mine too.
Frankie: Yeah, well...Whatever you do, don't keep yourself up
all night worrying about this. You'll do great.
Jamie: Well, the turn signal in my mom's car is broken, so
I'll be up anyways. Hey, will there be any long
division tomorrow, Frankie?
Frankie: Absolutely not.
Jamie: Cool. And what should I wear?
Frankie: Oh. Totally casual.
Jamie: Super cool.
SCENE 2: "The Actual Interview"
Jamie paces up and down the wheel chair ramp eating
out of a Pringles canister. A secretary looks on
impatiently. Jamie also takes drinks from the water
fountain every few seconds.
Secretary: Can I help you?
Jamie: I'm here for the job interview.
Secretary: Yeah, they're almost ready for you.
Jamie: I'm pretty sure Flag Day is going to seal the deal,
right? [winks] You want a few chips?
Secretary: (annoyed) No thanks.
Jamie: Cool. Snap into them, right? [winks]
Secretary: What the hell are you talking about?
Jamie: Whatever. It's your loss, more for me, right?
[winks] Hey, where's the water fountain?
Secretary: The one you've already been to 11 times? The one
by the elevator?
Jamie: Oh yeah. [looks around] I see it. Good ol' H20,
right? [winks]
10 MINUTES LATER
Frankie walks out of the office, dressed sharply, and
walks up to Jamie.
Frankie: We're ready for you , Mr. Flam.
Jamie: (confused) What? Why are you wearing that suit? How
come your pants and jacket match?
Jamie follows Frankie into the office and sits down in
a chair across from Frankie. A gentleman, Mr. Green,
President of Green Card Greeting Company , comes in shortly
afterwards holding a clipboard.
Mr. Green: Hello, Mr. Flam. Let's start things off
with a little math quiz. Simple long division.
Hands jamie a short quiz, comprised of all long
division problems. Jamie looks around helplessly.
Frankie shrugs confidently. The office is silent as
jamie finishes the quiz. Mr. Green takes the quiz and
begins to look it over.
Mr. Green: These were long division equations, Mr. Flam. Is
this supposed to be a skull and crossbones drawing?
Jamie: Actually, it's the symbol for pie. I mean, the
symbol for infinity. I get them confused.
Mr. Green: Well, they aren't the correct answers. And also,
is this mucus smothered all over the page?
Jamie: Well, there's a lot of dust or cat hair in here.
You have to forgive me, I'm allergic. Especially to
cats.
Frankie: (Visibly angry) Dammit Jamie! You know there
aren't any cats in here!
Jamie: Well, sorry about all that...So, Mr. Green, celebrate
Canada Day last week? [winks]
Frankie rolls his eyes.
Mr. Green: Mr. Flam, we are in New Mexico.
Jamie: Exactly. [winks]
Mr. Green: Let's move on. According to your resume here,
which seems to have been written in Red Sharpie on the
inside of a box of raisin Bran...
Jamie: Two scoops, right? [winks]
Mr. Green: Well, it says here that you explicitly have had NO
involvement with the Big Brother Foundation.
Jamie: Well, first of all, I used a red Sharpie because my
black one wasn't broken in yet, and second of all,
when I said that I was NOT involved with the Big
Brother Foundation, I meant to say that I WAS
involved. Know what I mean?
Mr. Green: Right...So tell me about your alleged experience.
Jamie: I've been a Big Brother since I was six years old.
My brother's name is Edwin.
Mr. Green: What?
Jamie: My little brother, Edwin.
Mr. Green: Right...you don't even really have a brother do you?
Jamie: (hangs head shamefully, but also smirking.) No.
So how much do you guy's pay, anyways?
Mr. Green and Frankie ignore the question.
Frankie: So, Mr. Green. Why don't you ask jamie about his
experience with basketball.
Jamie's jaw drops and he gets noticably uncomfortable,
unable to look anyone in the eye.
Mr. Green: So, Jamie, what exactly did you do with the Indiana
Pacers?
Jamie: O.K., fine gentlemen. I get it. I see what you
are trying to do. [stands up] I think you have a
sexual harrasment case on your hands here!
Mr. Green: Sit down, Mr. Flam!
Jamie: O.K.
Mr. Green: For HR purposes, can we get your address real
quick?
Jamie: 2ZIC933, and those are Ohio plates. (pauses, looks
around, gets a little annoyed) Can I say something?
Mr. Green: Sure.
Jamie: This was a low blow Frankie. A very low blow. I'm
hurt by the way this interview went. I feel like I
was put in the position to reveal certain things about
my workmanship, that frankly, I don't feel comfortable
revealing. (pause) Anyways, what are you doing
tonight Frankie?
Frankie: Dude, what is wrong with your brain??
Jamie: (stands again) (yelling) What'd you guys do to me?
Jamie starts walking towards the door, tears welling in
his eyes. He walks out. Frankie and Mr. Green look
at each other. Frankie shrugs. Then, a minute later,
the door opens again.
Jamie: Oh yeah, and one more thing...you can take your
stupid job and give it to someone else. I have more
important things to do with my time then sit here and
babysit you guys all day!
Jamie walks back out and slams the door behind him.
Frankie: I don't know what happened! I totally
prepped him for the interview!
Mr. Green: Wait a minute...you know that guy??
Frankie: Oh, I mean, I've never seen him before in my life.
Mr. Green: Cool.
THE END
EPILOGUE
Jamie and Frankie are still friends. In fact, they
are better friends as a result of all they went
through in the interviewing process. When they
reminisce about the interview today, they sometimes
joke about the Raisin Bran box, and the mucus on the
quiz, because really, who does stuff like that? Today,
Green Card Company is in the top 106 greeting card
companies in New Mexico, raking in tens of thousands
of dollars a year.
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