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 Cents N' Cents 2: Fiscal Fresh! by jamie flam Welcome to another edition of Cents n' Cents: Money talk that makes "cents of cents"! I have changed the format of the column this week so that I can address a letter that was sent to me all the way from a completely different state. The problems posed by the sender seemed to be ones that many lunchboxing readers could relate to, so I figured my interpretation might be worth everyone's while. Take a gander! Dear Jamie, I have a million dollars, and I'm not sure how to spend it. Any suggestions? Love, Rich Rich, I couldn't be happier you came to me in your desperate time of need. I have a proven method that will allow you to spend as much money as you like without having to penny-pinch. But first you'll want to consider that we are still in the midst of a major recession. Keep this in mind as you prepare for Step One of my lesson: Sell any stocks you own, including long-term and stable mutual funds. Step Two:Take this extra money and throw it into a local wishing well as soon as possible. Now, Step 3, this is very important, don't forget to make your wish! Your wish should sound something like this: Dear Jesus, I wish for all my investments to shoot through the roof in the coming year. I also wish for no starvations. That is, verbatim, my wish of choice, although many of my friends have written their own wishes that they use instead. Naturally they all begin with "Dear Jesus", but they take liberties with the "shoot through the roof" part. For example, my friend Patrick says "I wish for all my investments to go shit-wacky in the coming year." Then he wishes for no murderings. Then there's Vivian. She's a real straight shooter. She wishes for all her investments to "skank-the-fuck-up in the coming year", followed by a short prayer for warlessness. As I mentioned, she's a real straight shooter. I could tell you about some of my other pals' wishing techniques, but that would just be taking this huge lie to another level. You see, I don't have any friends. Period. Moving on. At this point you are probably asking why in god's name you would sell your stocks, take the cash, throw it into a wishing well, and wish for those very stocks to increase in value. Well, I'll be honest, this isn't a tried and true Jamie Flam technique. It's actually a tradition that traces its' roots back to the ancient Mayans. Only from what I've read, the Mayans sacrificed a virgin at the time of wish, or "Tiempo Del Deseo". But I think I'll pass on that sacrament! Sounds a little to messy for my liking, although I can't help but wonder how rich the Mayans must have been, with all the extra fanfare they put into this ritual. I would imagine they had solid gold bars, dipped in gold, then dipped in gold once more to make it a super bonus gold bar. But that's besides the point. This is a money advice column, not some kind of history lesson! So now that you have made your wish, it's time to reinvest the money in the exact same stocks you just sold, but making sure to save at least a couple hundred thousand to invest in Pets.com . This is a web-site on the intra-web that specializes in pet supplies. It's only a matter of time before the world realizes that they don't need to waste time going to the pet store for pet supplies when they can have them delivered to their front door in a matter of days! (Don't go spreading the word on this--insider information--WINK!) Now that you have re-invested your stocks, it's time to sit back and wait. The money will do the rest of the working here. The real test now is warding off the charities who will want you to donate money to their "causes". Just remind yourself that all charities are evil, and that even giving a small donation to your community is only making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Take it from my experience. I donated $700,000 dollars to build an inner city youth community center last year, via wishing well, and the place was never built. I doubt I'll ever see that money again. Stupid poor kids. Cents "n" Cents Volume One |
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