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 Three Stories About Leonardo DiCaprio by jamie flam, Jamie Flam Jr. (not jamie flam), and jesarube as seen on 
Story #1: Key Grip Gets Pizza by jamie flam 
Director Michael Bernice paces across the set frantically. "Who are we going to get to play the lead at this late hour??" he exclaimed, so mad, a few of the crew members became scared. "Patrick Dempsey, what a fucking flake!" he added, beyond mad at the once hot actor who had done everything but sign the contract to star in his upcoming film project. "We can get a nobody, sir...", a young key grip suggested. "Who are you?" "I'm the key grip, sir" "What did you say just now?" "That we could get a nobody actor, and hope that maybe they can make a debut splash." "Shut up, you're fired!" The young boy started packing up his things. "Wait a minute...come back here son!" Bernice exclaimed. "I've got an idea, and maybe you can help." "Whatever you want, sir!" said the young key grip. "What if you went and got us all some pizzas! Dominoes or something, just a little something to tide us over until we figure out who's going to play the lead." Dissappointed the young key grip went out to drive to the local pizzeria to grab some lunch for the crew. On his way back, he stopped at an intersection and looked to the car beside him. None other than Leonardo DiCaprio himself was waiting at the light with him in his brand new Mazerati. "What if I came back with not just a pizza, but a little someone named Cap to play Dempsey's role!" the young boy thought. "I'd be the coolest guy on the set, and that could be my big break!" But before he could say anything, Leo had sped off in his car and was way beyond reach. "FUCK!" he said, slamming the steering wheel. It was o.k. though, since he wasn't sure that it was really him anyways. Story #2: Spotting Leo at the Movie Theater by Jesarube  You know, the weirdest things happen. I went to the movies last week at the AMC 12 in Palmdale to see "Save the Last Dance". It was a fantastic movie, but I'm not here to write movie reviews. Anyways, there was Leo, working at the movie theatre. He was tearing tickets and telling people what room their show was in. He told me it was in Theater 5, and he was right. I thanked him and told him he was great in "The Beach DVD." He said "What?" I guess he was undercover or being "low-profile". I said, "Oh yeah, it's our secret" and then whispered "Leo" in a whispered voice. I looked back at him and wondered when did he grow out those dreds, and how come he's 6-4 now. Also, Leo doesn't wear braces in Tiger Beat. Then I remembered the magic of Hollywood and the wonderful makeup people they use. I guess if they could turn Julia Stiles into a dancing queen, then they could transform Leo into a tall African fellow. I then asked the manager if Leo was working there tomorrow, and she said "No one named Leo works here." I guess she was in on the big secret as well. To keep the secret protected I will not say what theater it was in Palmdale. Stroy #3: Paris With Leonardo by Jamie Flam Jr.(not jamie flam) 
Paris was dark and breathing like an overweight smoker on his way home from a bowling alley. I looked to the stars and saw only wires. Wires that should have been connecting us, instead insulting us like a mocking animated cat. I could have cried but that would have been weak, so I just rolled along on my razor scooter. Leo was close behind, busy second guessing himself and everything that had happened recently. He still had blood on his skin from Raoul's shooting. He still ached for Lorraine and her sweet virginity that only recently gave way to rampant whoring and disrepute. His soft blond hair kept falling out of place and like he himself it was damaged, damaged by a brutal perm. I turned to Leo frustrated by his childlike adherence to Scientology and a mish mash of Eastern thought and I said, "It's not going to get any better Leo. Go back. Go back and forget about me, and Raoul and Lorraine. We are all human waste now. You have your life to lead. I can't be your father figure anymore." He stop, chilled by my words and lit like an ornament by the oddly placed red of the Paris McDonalds. He began to cry and didn't stop until the second day of filming on Who Ate Gilbert Grape. All these stories and many more can be found at Stinky Ninja Headquarters! |
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