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Lunchboxing's Holiday Shopping Guide
by jason betrue and jamie flam 
Gift giving is paramount to the enjoyment of the holiday season. But for those of us who are struggling in the cash flow department, gift giving isn't always easy. Some resort to shallow, lifeless "art project" type gifts in order to mask the utter embarrasment of frugality. But no glue gunned glitter stick can conceal the shame of a handmade gift. Thankfully, we here at lunchboxing have done some research into some brand new gift items on the holiday market so that you can avoid looking like the stingy, parsimonious bastard that you are. With gift ideas that you can afford by just scraping together some nickels and dimes from beneath the couch, there's no reason your loved ones can't reap the benefits of your colorless, sallow hard working days. So take note of our suggestions, and have a wonderful holiday season you scrimping, penny pinching tightwad!  Disposable Digital Cameras What better way to capture the spirit of the season than with pictures of yourself and your loved ones. The Canon Powershot G2 4MP Digital Camera with 3x Optical Zoom is quite simply the most efficient, easy-to-use digital camera on the market this season. With a bright LCD monitor that swivels off to the side of the camera and tilts up and down, maximum overall creative control, champagne gold finish, large grip for easier handling, excellent image and color quality, new photo-effect shooting mode for various effects, and new high-speed selectable three-point autofocus, you simply can't go wrong. Unless you miss the trashcan when you toss this puppy in after you've uploaded all of your holiday pictures to your extremely expensive computer! 
A Twelver of of Dom. Romanee Conti 1997 La Tache Grand Cru Burgundy, France Retail Price 6599.88 Winemaker's Notes- The darkest red colour of all. On the nose, the wine is sharp, as if it were "double-locked" in its tannic coating (gangue). The "enigmatic" character of this wine finds its full expression in this wine, even if we detect some hints of liquorice typical of La Tāche. Great potential, reserved, its length and "thickness" on the palate announce interesting developments ... if you are patient enough to wait! Need we say more?  Lily Tomlin Star of movie hits "All of Me", "The Incredible Shrinking Woman", and "Nine to Five", several comedy specials, and most recently NBC's "West Wing".  His and Hers Matching Homes Are you married? I mean, are you REALLY married? Do you want to know the difference? Married couples of His and Hers Matching Bathrobes, possibly His and Hers Matching Timepieces. REALLY married couples have, you guessed it, His and Hers Matching Homes. Celebrate your love of one another and capitalism by indulging in a pair of hand-crafted domeciles. All homes are fully customizable. He loves hardwood floors, but she loves carpet? Not a problem! They are matching homes, but they don't necessarily have to MATCH. A perfect pair of separate living quarters for the perfect couple! Order yours today, and receive 10% off of all adobe accessories. Ideal for anniversaries!  Personal Jerry Bruckheimer Film Do you love movies? I mean, do you LOVE movies? Prove it. You can't can you? You can say this and that about your favorite actors, directors, producers, show off your DVD collection, but you really don't have anything to show for it do you? Well, now you can because starting this Christmas you can purchase your very own personal Jerry Bruckheimer film! Select from more than a dozen Bruckheimer-approved scripts. Your personal movie can be a suspense thriller, a romantic comedy, a romantic suspense thriller, an action comedy, or a historically accurate romantic suspense action thriller dramedy, you name it! Titles include: When it Rains, Turner (The story of Nat Turner's Rebellion), Of Hope and Farms, Arnold (The story of Benedict Arnold), In With the New, Don't Tell Her It's Me...Again, Illegal Eagles, and To The Death. You don't even need to read the script, it's guaranteed to be Blockbusterrific! Next you choose from a list of Bruckheimer's favorite directors including Michael Bay, David McNally, and Tony Scott. Your options don't end there. You get to name the characters, and you and your friends can play any parts you wish! It's YOUR movie! As long as your money is good, Bruckheimer will work for you! Act now and that guy with the voice that does all the movie trailers will put in a personal telephone call and tingle your spine or the spine of someone you love!  Oh Captain My Captain's Hat Sail the high seas in STYLE this holiday season with the most ridiculously expensive Captain's hat every created. Every last millimeter of this overly self-indulgent headgear is crafted out of jewels and riches that exceed your greatest imagination. To begin with...the navy blue fabric of the hat is specially created by crushing diamonds, and boiling, treating, and dying them until they look and feel like navy blue fabric. The hat is then woven. And what about that bill? It's a unique blend of California Condor feathers, and a European baby's footbones, melted down with a special mixture of Polynesian plastics. And let's not forget the Anchor emblem. To begin with, it's actually shrunken down from a boat-sized anchor. The details of this process are undisclosed, but we understand that it is possibly a complicated and highly classified Shrink-ray and/or a process known as "Melting." Regardless, the anchor is eventually constructed of a solid, 24 karat gold, fully plated with platinum, then plated again with another layer of gold! This Holiday Season, when you go whale-watching, watch out!, because with this on your head, everyone else will be Hat Watching!  Jesus' Bones True...the bodily remains of Jesus of Nazareth have never been located. But what if one day they ARE?? For a mere fortune, you can lay claim to the bones of one of the most recognizable religious figures known to man. The way it works is that you give the church X amount of dollars and your name is put on the Jesus' Bones Program list. In the meantime, the Church will continue searching for Jesus' corpse. If and when Jesus is found, the list will be closed, and the Lord's remains will then be split up between each person on the list, based on the percentage of money given versus the total money raised. So, for instance, if you invest $4 billion dollars in the Jesus' Bones Program, and the total money raised is $16 Billion, you get 25% of Jesus' bones. That would likely amount to your choice of either his skull, or an arm and a leg. There is, of course, the risk that Jesus body will not be found in your lifetime, but just have faith! Merry Christmas!  MoneyBurnerz! For a substantial fee, MoneyBurnerz will send a team of MoneyBurnerz to your home or office and burn cash for you and your family. Sit back and relax as two men or women, dressed in costumes of your choice, dip your cash in lighting fluid, light it up, and blow the smoke into your faces! It's yours, it's hard earned, and what better way to say "Money is no an object" than to incinerate it beyond use? For just 10,000 extra dollars, MoneyBurnerz will send their "Santa Team" to your house Christmas morning for a "candle lighting ceremony" your kids will remember always. And Jews can get in on the holiday action as well with MoneyBurnerz signature "Money Menorah"; just like your standard menorah, but used to burn cash! Kwaanza Kash Killers coming soon! |
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