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Lunchboxing recently sat down with genius comic and our personal hero, Bill Cosby to discuss life and his new career aspirations. Brace yourself: the results were out of control! LUBO: Hey Cos! Thanks for making time for this interview! The Cos: My pleasure. What can I do for you? LUBO: Wow, well this is a bit overwhelming for me, I mean you are a legend and a personal hero. 
The Cos: (Laughs) Yes, a legend in my own mind...as they say. A personal hero? Well, thank you, that's very flattering. What publication is this again? LUBO: Lunchboxing.com.... we are a humor website. The Cos: Humor? Now what do you mean when you say humor? There are all different kinds of humor, you know? To some people a knock knock joke is humor, other people might think videotaping yourself taking a crap on your uncle's rocking chair is humor. But, I'd tend to call the latter disrespectful. LUBO: Oh well, you know, we don't really fall under one category of humor really. Silly lists, parody, mostly low-brow stuff to be honest. But, we don't crap on anyones's rocking chair...not intentionally anyways. 
The Cos: Well, that's good. I don't generally do the lowbrow, you know, I like to keep it clean. But, since we're doing this, I guess we're doing this. LUBO: Great. So, speaking of disrespectful, you have been lashing out in recent days against a lot of things you have been seeing that you find disrespectful. The Cos: I think we can cut to the chase on this one. I think what you're talking about now is my recent announcement that I will be joining the Indiana Pacers Basketball squadron to help whip those kids into shape. LUBO: Yes, yes.... for the record, have you checked with the Pacer organization yet to see that your joining the team is ok. The Cos: No, not yet, I'm getting to that. I called up Larry Bird and left a message on his machine saying, "I'm coming, get me a jersey - The Cos #99. Do what you have to do, but I'm suiting up next Thursday". I've got a few dates at an Indian Reservation near San Diego, or I'd be joining later this week. 
LUBO: Interesting... I find your enthusiasm commendable, but is it necessary that you be a player?
The Cos: You're damn right it's necessary. LUBO: I mean, couldn't you just take on another role in the Pacer organization as kind of a father figure to the younger players? The Cos: Look, if you watch an incident like the one that happened a few days ago, if there's one thing that's apparent it's that younger players, like your Mitch Artests and Tatum O'Neals, and Wallace van Wallace's have no respect for authority. They only respect their peers. I need to get in there on their level in order for them to listen to me. "Listen, son, I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!" LUBO: But if you call them "Son," are you really on their level? The Cos: I'm talking about giving them the real stuff. "Don't roll your eyes at me, or I'll roll that head right off your shoulders." You know, that's the kind of thing that will make them listen up. LUBO: You sound angry, Bill. So you feel the only way to reach out to these players is in a game time situation. 
The Cos: Yes, in a game time situation, in a life time situation...these kids need to live up to their part of the deal. Whether or not they damn like it, they are role models to young people all around the world. I mean, I know many of them aren't much more than kids themselves, but this behavior is unacceptable!
LUBO: Have you considered the fact that you are getting on in years and have no professional basketball experience?
The Cos: You're aware that I was an athlete in my youth, right? LUBO: I am. Football scholarship at Temple University. The Cos: That's right, I see you've done your research. LUBO: Well, we are Lunboxing.com. But, Bill, that was 50+ years ago though.... The Cos: What does age and time have to do with athletic ability? LUBO: Everything, Bill. The Cos: Look, Karl Malone is probably a year or two older than me, and he's STILL playing the game. You know, Karl "Machine Gun" Malone. I'm telling you, he's at least twice my age and he's still playing the game, and well! LUBO: Karl Malone is 40, Bill. The Cos: Right, I'm aware of that. But a good thirty of those years are NBA years. He's been taking beatings his whole life on the court. Now, I'm coming in fresh after a career as a comedian and lover of children. My body hasn't taken the same physical abuse. Everyone knows 40 in the NBA is really about 79 in real life. (Laughs) LUBO: Right... 
The Cos: But, like I said, I'm not worried. I had a football scholarship to Temple University, you know? And I wasn't a slouch at Track and Field events either. I could have just as easily been basketball. In fact, my rich uncle got me a basketball for my twelfth birthday, but my family was so poor my mom had to cook it. We lived off of a Spalding for a week. (Laughs)
LUBO: Oh, yeah, how was it? 
The Cos: Not bad, a little chewy. But, the funny thing was when I went to go poop, it bounced out of the toilet and all over the bathroom. Finally it broke through the window and took off down the road.
LUBO: So, can you give us an example of how you plan to whip the Pacers into shape? The Cos: Zizzum zazzum. 
LUBO: I see. Well, let's take this recent altercation...let's say someone in the crowd threw a cup of beer on you? How would you react? The Cos: I would stand up from my seat and I would turn around and confront the person, but I wouldn't jump into the stands like a damn maniac and punch some old white man in the jaw. I would just explain to him, in good humor, the following: My father once told me that he walked seventeen miles just to look at a cup of beer through a window. And, on the way home, he was kidnapped, beaten, sodomized, and left for dead. But, did he ever regret it? No. Because that damn beer looked delicous. Then I would explain to the gentleman that he should take that under consideration when he next feels the need to chuck a beer at comedy legend Bill Cosby. I think that kind of example of how to handle a confrontation is what these kids need. 
LUBO: Okay, and you also realize that the very players you are joining the team to reform will not be playing...because they have been suspended.
The Cos: Listen, Archer and Zigby are like the cracked eggs in a basket of rotten ones, if you get my drift. They may be the worst, but the rest aren't far behind. LUBO: Okay Bill, what you would do if a player were to deck you in the mouth as hard as they could? The Cos: I can't imagine that would ever happen to me. I'm one of the most beloved entertainers of all time. At least out of those still living. After Hope and Sinatra died that pretty much made me in the top 2 or 3. So, let's say someone like Rudy "Longjohns" Winters were to get angry with me for being a ballhog or some foolish thing. He might want to clock me, and he might get close, but I'd give him a smile and do my patented Cos-strut, maybe get into a little bit of the pursed-lip head-waggle, maybe even throw out a one-line teaser about my brother Russell, and the next thing you know we'd be sharing a Coke and a laugh. Longjohns and The Cos friends for life. Why? Because of good humor, not violence. What do you think of that? LUBO: I think you're a dead man. The Cos: (Stares blankly.) LUBO: Well, best of luck to you Bill. Any final thoughts before we sign off? The Cos: Sometimes the zizzum hits the rizzy flop. But the the fizzle dip doesn't always rizzlebiz the milky jots. Thanks monstertrucks.com, God bless you. LUBO: Bye, Cos. |
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