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The American Asshole Association "I am thrilled that the international powers that be have finally given due credit to a phenomenon experienced by people of all colors, creeds, faiths, and nationalities. Diahrrea doesn't discriminate, and neither shall we." -Asscot "Richie" Buttman, founder of The American Asshole Association More from "Richie" Buttman: In celebration of this first ever international celebration of fecal explosions, we invite the people of the world to join us in beautiful San Diego, California from September 20-27 for ASSCON 5000, where we will have a week long convention at the lovely San Diego Convention Center. With informational booths, live entertainment, and educational seminars led by renowned scholars of the asshole, it is shaping up to be quite an event! And with Sea World, the world famous San Diego Zoo, and miles of gorgeous shoreline at your fingertips, this just might be the perfect vacation opportunity you and your family have been dreaming of! Some of this years topics include: *Controlled Diahrrea: Myth or Reality *Living with Shitwater *Learning to Love the Runs *Experiment: Diahreea, Control: Control *SCHPLAT! and other "Sounds From The Bowl" *Diary-a! A Guide To Documenting Your Fecal Exploits Forever *The Do's, Don't Do's, and Definitely Don't Do's of Public Defecation *Getting Shit Out of Trousers *Behind Enemy Lines: Preventing Underwear Streaks *'Rhea Pearlman: The Story Behind the Name *Why Won't It Stop!! - And other common diahrrea concerns *So What, I Like to Shit?: Defending Your Defecatory Enjoyment *Diaper Care For Mentally Disabled *Up, Up, and Away: Wiping Techniques in the 21st Century *Diah"h"rea and Other Common Spelling Mistakes *Keeping those Ass Hairs Clean: A Male Conundrum *I Wish You Wouldn't Have Shat on the Ottoman... But I Understand: Living with Chronic Defecators 
Last Year's guest panel discuss ass-fusion. 
Don't forget that there is something for everyone at ASSCON 5000, even for those of you with youngsters! Check out these panels and presentations for kids! *Mommy, Why Am I Peeing Brown Water Out Of My Poophole? *Shit Cops! *Paws-teriors: What Your Favorite Endangered Species Asses Look Like *SkIdMaRkZ: Underroo Maintenance for KiDz! *Rump Roast: Protecting Your Ass from Harmful UV Rays *"I Can't Believe This IS Happening TO ME": A Childs Guide to their first diahreea *Huggies: Not For Hugging And for our more sensitive attendees, don't miss this year's main event, the one woman extravaganza White Porcelain Memories, written and directed by Sissy Spacek! 
There will be other performances throughout the week including appearances by Don Henley, Jewel, Gabe Kaplan, and Dallas Mavericks all-star Dirk Nowitzki. Also, rest assured knowing that Wilford Brimley will be back this year with his always hilarious stage salute to America "I Think I Know What Cracked The Liberty Bell (and it had everything to do with my tempermental gas syndrome [TGS])!" So bring your family, and if you are a loner and/or recently divorced, remember that ASSCON 5000 will be a wonderful place to meet that special someone. Take it from ASSCON alumni Brian and Sheila Brogan, now happily married for almost 2 years! 
If you order your tickets now, we will send you our new bi-monthly newsletter, Fecal Matters, absolutely free. So don't pass up the opportunity to educate yourself, your friends and your loved ones this season with knowledge. Diarrhea knowledege. I love you, and remember, Defecation Is A Relaxing, Rejuvenating, Healthy Enterprise Assembly, or Association. 
Asscot "Richie" Buttman For more information on The American Asshole Association, click here! |
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