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Uncle Mort's Magical Miracle Plumpness Reduction Salve

From Back of Bottle:

A hearty, abundant carriage might seem to proclaim "I live by way of pleasure!" But recent work by research-scienticians suggests that a swinely figure may have adverse effects on other bodily functions, including "breathing" and "heart pumpage." While regular exercise and a more thoughtful eating schedule may be a good solution for the long-term, let us now speak frankly: sport, frolick, and recreation are tiresome and take away from important time meant to be spent enjoying sugar-pastries, confections, and fatty meat products. Luckily, a man named Mort has came with a salve to make the extra chunkiness fly away like a chubby cherub into the high heavens. Just rub daily and wait patiently. Thank you, kindly, sirs and ma'dams.

Possible Side Effects:

  • Extreme Hunger
  • Sweet Tooth
  • The Tasties
  • The Yum-Yums
  • Sugary Vision
  • Pixie Stick Syndrome
  • Fatness
  • Edible Limbs
  • Anorexia
  • The Pukes
  • Massive Diarrhea
  • Papercuts
  • Broken legs
  • Gut Growth
  • Mad Cow
  • West Nile Virus
  • S.I.D.S.
  • Plaque
  • Hemorrhaging
  • Sprained Tongue
  • Tentsticles
  • Tongue-in-cheek (literally)
  • Mild unconsciousness
  • Taco Blood
  • Down Syndrome
  • Rheumatory Arthritis
  • Learning Disabilities
  • Lyme Disease
  • Sea Sickness
  • Plague and/or Black plague
  • Bubonic plague
  • Shitdrip
  • Mountain lion attack
  • Camera shyness
  • Ravi Shankar phase
  • Cabin Fever
  • Drunk driving
  • Shitty reception
  • Pac Man fever
  • Euthanasia
  • Misgivings
  • Wolfman Jack voice
  • Drool
  • Wildness
  • Flight
  • Spiritual epiphany and contentment
  • Spermy burps
  • Weight loss
  • Dickcheese
  • Double chin
  • Increased cholesterol
  • The Mondays
  • Dangerous Liaisons
  • The Smack Down
  • Birth defects
  • Titty twisters
  • Wet willies
  • Indian burns
  • Dead leg
  • Pimples
  • Fudgy britches
  • Excruciating nightmares
  • Rapid aging
  • Homophobia
  • The terrible twos
  • Quadruple chin
  • Tennis elbow
  • Republicanism
  • Wolftits
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