lunchboxing.com :: taking your lunch money since 1983

by jamie flam and chris weisbart

The world loooooooooves Halle Berry. And why shouldn't we? She's charming, intelligent, insanely gorgeous. and have you seen her tatas?!? But Hollywood's little pixie didn't get her wings without a little help. Help from a friend we like to call... ANGELDUST. That's right, folks. No angel ever soared the heights of Tinseltown as high without some PCP, and assuming the rumor mills are even half way accurate, Halle is probably all hopped up on horse tranquilizers as we write this. If not, she's out to get some, and based on foresight and a little bit of insider information, we are proud to share with you a few things she is willing to do to get a bag of the ace, the rocket fuel, the CRYSTAL SUPERGRASS out of your hands:

1. Frame a house
2. Massage your feet with gelatin
3. Have a tea party with your children
4. Give herself a hysterectomy
5. Clean your garage
6. "Midwifery"
7. Cess-pool repair
8. Anal
9. Write a grant
10. Spend a week in Lodey, CA
11. Do "victorville"
12. Gargle urine
13. Refinance your yacht
14. Bathe in "bacteria-water"
15. Listerine enima
16. Rip out her eyes
17. Watch, enjoy Everybody loves raymond
18. chemotherapy
19. Post her mamography slides on the internet
20. Eat pipe-cleaner
21. Sweat lodge
22. Your laundry
23. Develop your film
24. Ice skate/ Handjob
25. Smoke anus-tobbaco
26. Build you a sweet ass treehouse
27. Juggle flaming bowling pins
28. Insulate your new office space
29. "Snow angels"
30. Pay you money
31. Shave your back
32. Give you her "Oscar"
33. Make you morningstar farms veggie patties
34. Do Pcp
35. Suckle your shaft-rod
36. Make out with your younger, less experienced brother
37. Become a man
38. Quote the travelling wilburys in conversation
39. Take, pass the GRE
40. Do an assistant professorship at San Jose State
41. Classify ancient human remains
42. Taxidermy
43. Surf the big crazy waves in Hawaii and shit
44. Fuck Dick Clark in the ass
45. Memorize the script of City Slickers 2, recite on Al Jazeera


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