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by jason betrue, jamie flam, paws o'henry, and chris weisbart Day 1: "Fuck the shit out of some NorCal pussy" Day 2: Make breakfast with a blender 100 times Day 3: Call Secretary of State's Office, admit it was all a joke Day 4: Meet with lobbyist from Committee to Save Our Schools, "make example of him" Day 5: Apologize to stupid bitches who made all those allegations Day 6: "Learn how to spell" Day 7: Rip out of suit during moment of heated debating. Day 8: Drive the California Coastline Day 9: Summon bipartisan panel to renegotiate terms of sale of his soul to the devil Day 10: Tell Gray Davis it's cool for now, but by next week he needs to find somewhere else to check his e-mail Day 11: Molest some interns. Day 12: Gloat Day 13: "twins" Day 14: Take a Schwarzenegger-size shit in the gubernetorial bathroom Day 15: Rename state "New Austria" Day 16: Call Davis, ask which knob makes the office chair recline Day 17: Eat an entire tuna Day 18: Call Ronald Reagan, make awkward conversation with nurse. Leave message. Day 19: Do the "mashed potato" Day 20: Paperwork Day 21: Place replica of Darth Vader costume in glass display case at Capitol building alongside replica of Honey I Shrunk the Kids' "giant blade of grass." Day 22: Think of joke about "gray clouds parting over California," laugh to himself. Day 23: Laws and stuff Day 24: Learn karate... finally. Day 25: Expel the Jews Day 26: Exercycle the budget crisis away Day 27: Pop some mushrooms Day 28: Make commercials where cartoon Arnold literally smashes the word "Deficit" Day 29: Close mental institutions and put inhabitants on the street Day 30: Smoke cigar Day 31: Fondle intern Day 32: Fondle intern with cigar Day 33: Stock up on office supplies Day 34: Re-enact scenes from Predator with former Minnesota Gov. Jesse "The Body" Ventura Day 35: Squirt one out Day 36: Start working on "second 100 days" Day 37: Rent American Beauty... finally Day 38: "Must learn more, brain's growing at too incredible of a rate!!!" Day 39: Fuck Richard Dawson in the ass Day 40: "Paint the White House golden-bronze" Day 41: Make special guest appearance as self on "Coupling" Day 42: Surf the web Day 43: 500,235 one armed pushups Day 44: Say really stupid things Day 45: Call wife Maria Shriver, ask her to explain again how exactly they're related to the Kennedys Day 46: Talk about how now, when people refer to his 'roid rage, they're actually referring to the hemmoroids he's getting from "so much gosh darn paperwork!" Day 47: Harbor terrorists Day 48: Hang with Alyssa Milano at the 20-year "Commando" reunion Day 49: Naively use veto power when doing curls Day 50: Write letters to Hummer about idea for new SUV that can waste gas without having to drive anywhere Day 51: Call Davis, ask what these numbers in the budget mean Day 52: Joke with press corps about how derivative new Palo Alto album is Day 53: Repeal registration tax for vehicles over $800,000 Day 54: Kristallnacht '03 Day 55: Take "defective" Sony Discman to Best Buy, say "I don't remember" when asked if he may have dropped it Day 55: Develop compromise program with tribal leaders that will divide revenues from modified gaming taxes between education programs and paying down the state deficit with a rider requiring the implementation of a UC admissions programs ensuring a place in the system for the top 10 percent of students at tribal schools Day 56: Fucking Day 57: Call Davis, ask where he has to go to vote Day 58: Respond to letter written by Grace Bedell, an 11-year-old girl from Westfield, New York, dated October 15th, 1860, suggesting that he grow a beard. Day 59: Visit elementary school, make joke about Conan movies. Explain what Conan movies were, and that he was in them. Tell joke again to enthusiastic laughter and standing ovation. Day 60-87: Jail Day 88: Out on bail, sign with Death Row Records Day 89: Meet with, taunt public school teachers Day 90: Plead innocent in the sexual assault of Grace Bedell, an 11-year-old girl from Westfield, New York, who suggested in a letter dated October 15th, 1860, that he grow a beard. Day 91: Solve last of the state's problems Day 92: Call in sick, go see The Matrix Revitalized or whatever it's called Day 93: Call Davis, say he really underestimated how hard it is to be governor and wants to apologize. Just before hanging up yell "SIKE!" Day 94: Sign executive order making it illegal for an entire sorority to go to a sushi bar at the same time Day 95: Ribbon cutting at World Cockfighting Expo Day 96: In sharing "SIKE" story with advisors, do slightly exagerrated imitation of Davis' weeping Day 97: Urinate in public pool without even bothering to get in and act like he's swimming Day 98: Sign non-aggression treaty with Stalin Day 99: Ask advisors which is Sigfried and which is Roy Day 100: Lose recall election |
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