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by jeff berson, jamie flam, and paws o'henry So many people love to masturbate because it feels so fantastic. But, there's nothing fantastic about the empty checkbook that reflects a healthy solo-sex life. That is, unless you find a way to masturbate with the checkbook over and over again, without persistent chafing... But that's just one way to save cash and make your boner (vagi-rection) feel great. Here a bunch of other ideas that'll have you strokin' it on the cheap. Tip #1- This is for very focused individuals. Humans have this thing called "memory". This is the brains' ability to recall events. Sometimes thinking of a past event or person will get you stimulated. The amazing thing is that this "memory" thing is absolutely free! Beat that pornography! Tip #2- This is for very creative individuals. Humans also have this thing called "imagination". This is the brain's ability to bring things to mind from scratch. Try "imagining" something sexy. It can be quite stimulating. For example, next time you see a pretty girl, imagine her naked and kissing her cute girlfriend. You can pretty much dream up any scenario possible using "imagination". How much does this cost? It's free. Imagine that. Tip #3- This tip is for very talented individuals with trained minds. Combine "memory" with "imagination". Think of something that actually happened and then tweak it with a new sexier alternative version. It took me a while to able to master this trick, but once I did I had some great squeeze sessions. Tip #4- Calling phone sex hotlines is fun, and adds some spice to any stroke break. But one 35 minute session and you're out 250 bucks. Try calling local businesses and residences, where you have a one in two chance of hearing the voice of a sultry tempstress. Then use your imagination to pretend that her "Hello, who is this's?" are screams of passion. Tip #5- Ask the manager of your local peep show or X-rated movie theater if there's a discount for customers who sit on the floor. Tip #6- Dipping twenty dollar bills in moisturizer and shimmying them across your penis feels AWESOME, but it can get expensive. Try using a one dollar bill instead. Made of the same weight and texture, you'll get the same great can't be beat sensation, and "by George", you'll save upwards of 19 dollars! Tip #7- Chances are you enjoy lighting candles, burning incense, and putting on your favorite Luther Vandross compact disc before getting wanky with it. Save cash by investing in a nightlight and substitue Vandross with Buju Banton to make it feel like there is incense burning. Tip #8- Make your mind vapid and devoid of any thoughts whatsoever, stare blankly into space, and rub. You will feel nothing, and the idea alone is scary, but it is free. May take up to an hour for results. Tip #9- Using left over orange car detailing paint for lubrication in the backseat of your Datsun, alone on a desolate highway in New Mexico can be fun, but it's not cheap to have your orange stained upholstery replaced. Try using a 1/2 Pint of Satin Fast Drying Polurethane instead. It will sting, but it's clear finish wont leave your cars' insides looking like an artists' loft. Tip #10- Using up paper towels can be very expensive. Fire straight at the fawning beautiful model begging to appease your every desire. I mean, she has to be good for something! Tip #11- Instead of going out to a movie and fancy restaurant, make it a point to spend one night a week masturbating at home. Tip #12- Many women like to use fresh produce to get thier rocks off. Try subsituting the Trader Joe's brand organic summer squash for some Safeway brand kale. Tip #13- Don't shell out for DVDs with sexy A-list stars. Pick up something with their B-list equivalents. Think Skeet Ulrich, not Johnny Depp -- and Bridget Moynihan, not Ashley Judd. Tip #14- Ladies, sex toys are expensive. Your gardner might be willing to pleasure you for just a cool glass of lemonade. Tip #15- Lots of couples are into inexpensive "role playing" scenarios and you can do the same things by yourself. Pretend you're a teacher with a naughty student and that the student isn't there so you're masturbating. Tip #16- Before you purchase new hardcore materials, consider that many government agencies provide used porn for free. For more information send a self-addressed stamped envelope to The Hon. Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court of the United States, One First Street, N.E. Washington, DC 20543. Tip #17- Instead of buying new sex organs after each masturbation session, try reusing the old ones. Quality penises and vaginas should work just fine for up to three months. |
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