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A Night Of Oscar Magic With Mike
by jamie flam and quarterbar
My roommate Mike loooooves movies. He also loooooves movie stars. Naturally, he also loooooves The Oscars! He can be very animated when watching things he loooooves, so when he decided to have an Oscar party at our house, I was all game. But while he broke out the popcorn and laughter, my guests and I broke out our digital cameras to document the following photo retrospective on The 2003 Academy Awards. Enjoy!
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As is his tradition every year, Mike took a nap before the show. "I'd hate to relive the 'Missing the Best Director and Best Film Oscar Because I Fell Asleep Debacle of '93!" he said, chuckling, as he took to his favorite chair two hours before the show. For fun, take notice of his sweatshirt and sweatpants ensemble. |
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You can see the excitement in Mike's eyes as the pre-show ceremonies begin. In a slightly effeminate voice he blurts out, "You know, people are making such a big deal about this war thing. I say just shut up and enjoy the Oscars, they only come once a year!" At first we thought he was joking. Then he commented on 'her majesty' Nicole Kidman and we realized he wasn't. |
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It took him a few minutes to adapt to a Bill Crystalless Academy Awards, but Steve Martin started growing on him after a while. "You can't deny he was great in Fletch" he said, completely seriously, looking into each person in the rooms eyes. |
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When Pedro Almodovar wins the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, Mike says, "This guy's from Mexico, right? Y'know what'd be funny... Where's that Sombrero I got at Chevy's?!?!" He puts the hat on and points at the screen. Pointing at Almodovar he says, "Hey man, check it out!" |
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Thirty minutes later: "Man, do I have a craving for some of those famous Chevy's chips with salsa right now. That shit is off the heezy! Throw in a strawberry margarita and I'm in heaven! Man, think they deliver? Ah, fuck it, I'll just get some taquitos at Jack In The Box after the show. In the meantime, looks like the award for Best Art Direction-Set Direction coming up. Yeeeeeeeeeehaw!" |
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During a commercial break, Mike flips the channel to a re-run of Three's Company. "That Jack Tripper! What won't he do?!?" |
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STROKE TIME! |
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"Christopher Reeve is a fine actor, but an even finer man...HEY NOAH, CAN YOU BRING IN SOME OF THAT POPPYCOCK SHIT FROM THE PANTRY?!?!" |
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"You gotta check out the next time the camera shows Keanu Reeves! What a complete assface he is!", Mike said to his pal Peter who called to check-in. "Stop razzing Keanu, dickhead, you know he gets more pussy than you!" Peter replied. "Fuck you, these Oscars are DOPE" Mike retorted, adding "I gotta go, dude, Technical Awards are coming up." |
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"I don't know what it is...Beer commercials are always fucking hilarious!" Mike yelled after a particularly funny Budweiser ad. |
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"Steve Martin! The King of Zingerz! This homeboy is Bringing Down Da House....again! Whassssssup!!!!!!" |
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In this pic, Mike has just finished saying, "Dude Julianne Moore is kiiiiinda cute, but she doesn't make me want to jerk it quite like Selma Hayek. I wonder if like I ran into her at a bar or some shit if she'd wanna chubb it or not." You can plainly see the pensive consideration on his face. |
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Mike thinks for a moment and in a patient, measured tone says, "In light of all this war stuff they shoulda had Blackhawk Down win the Oscar for Best Editing. The part where the chopper is just blasting guys and then he bails out is pretty sick." To this I reply, "Blackhawk Down wasn't even nominated. In fact, it came out 2 years ago." |
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"You know, Michael Moore's Roger & Me was a classic comedy, but this new "political" humor stuff really rubs me the wrong way. He needs to shut the hell up. Kangaroo Jack, now that's some funny shit!" |
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Here he said, "All in all, a solid year. A good mix of hotties and weird dudes. But who was that Peter O'Toole? Could the guy be ANY older? He kinda seemed like a 'tool' to me!" Then he proceeded to chuckle at an ever-increasing intensity until he fell off the chair. |
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Five minutes after the show ended Mike started getting cranky, like a little baby. He squirmed in his chair a few times, making gurgling noises, also like a little baby. |
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After a tiring evening of star-studded excitement, it was finally time to go back to where he started: slumberland. Mike went on to have a dream about being the biggest star in Hollywood and his rise to the top and then he was flying and then some girl he hadn't thought about in like, ten years who he went to junior high with was throwing pancakes at him for some reason. |
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