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Terror PreparednessSummer is upon us and with each new day, January brings the warmth of a new warning of terrorist extremism. Terrorists are working hard each day to obtain biological, chemical, nuclear and radiological weapons such as box cutters. Apparently, their backwards religious beliefs do not allow them to molest boys or extort money from old people. They must use bad things such as "fear","terror" or "evil" and "hatred" and "sloth" and "the electoral college" to get their way. But don't let these F,T,E,H,S or T's get in the way of your fun in the sun! With a few simple tips, you can be well protected from just about any terrorist attack utilizing items many of you have in your own homes right now! And I'm not talking about the rifle! Step 1 Know Your Terrorist -Terrorists all have beards and big noses. -Terrorists live in remote areas in dirty huts they make by cutting down trees and other plants. -Terrorists wear funny hats! -Terrorists wage a special kind of war, sometimes on people who live right next door to them! Terrorists like this individual have been lurking in our nation for millions of years. Step 2 Be Prepared! Amazingly enough, there are numerous common items in your house that you can use to protect yourself from a terrorist attack. Duct tape, pictured here, is one of those many items. Most Americans know that duct tape is good for most things around the house, but it's also amazingly good at repelling terrorists, nuclear bombs, chemical weapons, and biological warfare while still being extremly adhesive to wood, concrete, metal and fiberglass. Note: Duct tape will not protect against box cutters.  Most people know to use duct tape in conjunction with plastic sheeting to protect air vents and windows from contaminants. But what if you don't have plastic sheeting around? One can almost always guarantee that an American with a hefty supply of duct tape also has a hefty supply of one other thing: American cheese. That's right you can use Kraft Singles instead of plastic sheeting to make an "Orange Quilt of Protection" around your home.  In fact, a quick trip to your refrigerator will open you up to many "delicious" possiblilities of repelling terror in your home. Almost all prefabricated food products can be utilized in the event of a terrorist attack. What's that you say? Water contaminated? Take a gander into your freezer: not only are Tino's Pizza Rolls delicious "After-The-Attack" food, but they're also an excellent filtration medium for all kinds of biological and chemical contaminants. Corn dogs, conversely, can be used to store a precious supply of water for "The Day After." Soak in water overnight, then hang in a cool, moist part of your house such as the basement. In the event of an attack, Squeeze and suckle on the corndogs instead of drinking bottled water, this provides with an extended release of fluids while adding salt and fat, both important nutrients, to the water. They are also great with mustard. Another common household item can be useful if you are worried that contaminants have already leaked into your home. Ziploc bags are a great place to store things you want to keep contaminant free. Like children. Just place the child in the bag and seal it up. QUICK HINT: If you splurge a little and buy the premium bags, you'll know your child is safely tucked away and sealed up by matching the colored stripes at the top. Remember the maxim of the Terror-Aware: "Yellow and Blue make Green!" In case of a Radiological Attack, follow these steps: 1) Turn radiator down. 2) If you see a nuclear bomb go off, first find shelter and carefully assess the situation. "I'M GONNA DIE!" is a good assessment, as is "MY SKIN IS LITERALLY ON FIRE." 3) Further assessment may collect in your pants. 4) do heroin. 5) Remember the maxim of the Terror-Aware: "Nuclear bombs will kill you." 6) cover your head and neck with your arms 7) UNLESS your arms are on fire. 
Chemical Attack Sometimes, terrorists use chemical weapons. It is important to differentiate what are chemical weapons and what are not. When your uncle went into the garage and turned on the car until he died, that was a kind of chemical weapon. Despite what your father says, mom does not let loose "chemical weapons" after eating garlic. QUICK HINT: Most of the weapons Terrorists use will come from the sky. 1) Look for droplets of liquid coming from the sky. You will die if they touch you. 2) If there is anything on your car, burn it and everything inside. 3) Trees and paper are common materials used in manufacturing chemical weapons. Burn them. 4) Other household items, in the wrong hands, can quickly turn into chemical weapons. Burn all medicines, chemicals, plastic products, computers, unwanted glass, scrap metal and books you may have in a large bonfire in the middle of your house. 5) The danger of chemical weapons is in their poisonous molecules. Burn anything containing molecules. 6) Remember the maxim of the Terror-Aware: "When in doubt, burn it." 7) Storefronts and buildings not only have T.V.'s and Stereo systems for sale, but also chemical and biological weapons free for any unsuspecting terrorist to use. This is one instance where the above maxim does not hold true. Don't be rash and needlessly burn the establishment and the expensive goods it contains. Instead, first loot the goods then burn the building to rubble. Wash Your Hands One final note to the terror aware: you can never wash your hands too much. Sometimes the dirt won't come off with one washing, but after eighteen or nineteen washings you will start to feel better. In typing this article, yours truly has washed his hands 1023 times. Blood is a normal byproduct of good hand washing. Remember the maxim of the Terror-Aware: "Wash until it bleeds,then continue to wash until all blood has been cleansed. Rinse, dry, then rewash. "  Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Gambling! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Television! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To The Nightly News! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Scrabble! |
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