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 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by jason betrue, jamie flam, quarterbar, mike senese, and chris weisbart 1. Rowboat 2. In dire financial straits 3. "The Escape Hatch" 4. For a Jewish Doctor 5. Stranded on a deserted island. A real shitty one. 6. Wondering what went wrong. 7. Parachute 8. Syphillic blankets 9. Wishing you would have done it a very long time ago. 10. Spritually 11. Rat Poison-LOTS 12. For Dabney Coleman 13. When your sister moves to college 14. The "Ol' Knee to the groin" 15. Catapult 16. Sweet Boy Guy (8:16:19 PM): what would the stinky ninja do to escape a bad situtaion? Stinky Ninja (8:17:19 PM): Tijuana Sweet Boy Guy (8:17:39 PM): go there? or send her there? Sweet Boy Guy (8:17:53 PM): "hide out in Tijuana"? Stinky Ninja (8:18:19 PM): just TIJUANA 17. To pursue a career in "excavations" 18. In the back of a Black and White 19. Clinging to the underside of a semi truck for 350 miles 20. Roll them down a hill 21. Psychologically 22. "Tie a string on one side of a doorway and attach it to an anvil on a pully that is threaded up and around a nest of birds. Upon actuation of the door, the anvil drops, thus upsetting the birds who then fly into an awaiting net." 23. On good terms. 24. With a copy of Bob Marley's "Legend" compact disc on their doorstep. 25. With a shitload of car payments 26. On the Wrigley Field "Jumbotron" 27.For somebody half your age 28. Time machine 29. By slowly chiseling your way out of the cell with a spoon stolen from kitchen duty 30. Monorail! 31. Back at the homeless shelter, where you found them. 32. "What do you mean? I told you I had to work late.." / "That's the third time this week, Jonathan." / "Look, it's, uh, a busy time for the company, what is this shit? And don't fucking call me Jonathan, you know I hate that." / (and so on) 33. First find out if "Japan by Mail" gives refunds. Then send her back regardless of the answer. 34. Puncture and Deflate 35. At the pound, where you found her. 36. For that bitch Leslie in Accounts Receivable 37. Take some silly putty, along with your favorite "Mr. Boffo" cartoon strip. Place the silly putty on it and press down with even pressure, to create a replicated version on the strip on the putty. Give to your significant other, with the observation that "Much like this Mr. Boffo comic strip, our relationship has become a joke. A joke I quite honestly just don't get so much. See you in the funnies." Then leave. 38. With the seven day itch 39. Back at Walmart where you found them. 40. Hide behind a tree 41. Eat them 42. Hold a huge party in their honor, then don't show up. Then, after that, leave town without a trace. Lay low for several years and develop a fiendishly frightening smile. Then, just as they are beginning a new life with a new husband or wife, who treats them super good, "show up" again in random places around town, brandinshing your new smile. 43."Hobo style" 44. A cold January morning. Coffee is brewing. Children are at play in the yard. She leans over and kisses you on the cheek. "I'm going to take a quick shower," she says. "Okay," you respond with a smile. "I'll be here." You fold the newspaper and place it delicately on the kitchen table. That's where it will be when she finds it. Your pager vibrates. You take one last look at your children, wave to them without them seeing. You put on your hat and your coat, pick up your briefcase and walk out your front door where the black car is waiting. You sit in the passenger seat, nod to the driver. Take one more look at your house, then drive down the gravel road. 45. For another, prettier, imaginary girl. 46. Three Words: At The Altar 47. Before they leave you. Because you know they will. They always leave. They ALWAYS leave. But not this time. Oh no! No son of a bitch is going to make a fool of you again! Never again. You've had your fill of that! You would rather kill than let it happen one more time. That's right, you said it: "kill"... 48. Join "Sunshine for Jesus!" or "The Son of Zalldar Cult" 49. Eat aluminum foil 50. For someone you actually like. |
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