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Meet LeJon James by dan fazio You've heard about LeBron James, right? High school kid looking to go pro, already has Jordan's cell digits, already has Shaq's respect, already banged Tyra, about to hit the League with the force of a windmill slam. Well, it turns out he may not be the only baller in the family. 
LeBron James See, Bron's dad is something of a shady character. And it turns out that back when he was splittin' on Bron-Bron's mom, he was hooking up with a Chinese high-jumper named Xing. She had legs that went forever and a 29-inch vertical--good enough for bronze in the '79 Goodwill Games. Xing never told pops that she was pregnant--never told anyone, since she didn't want to jeopardize her high-jump career. So she quietly went back to China, had the baby, and named him LeJon. Right away the coaches in China knew they had something special. At the age of 4, he broke five Play-Skool rims. At 5, he was scouted by Hubie Brown, who furiously scribbled "UPSIDE!" again and again in his notes. At 9, he scored 100 points against the School for the Slightly Disabled in China's youth league. By the time Jon-Jon reached his freshman year, he was 5'10" and nearly 150 pounds. He terrorized the high school leagues, averaging 39 points, 22 boards and 9 assists. In an early matchup against Yao Ming--who was two years his senior--LeJon dunked the ball so hard in Yao's face that the big man cried. After that display, which also included a school-record 18 blocked shots, LeJon was ready to be discovered. As it happened, an out-of-work sportswriter fluent in Chinese was scanning the Beijing Register for box scores when he came across a small article about LeJon's heroics. Noticing the unusual name for the region, he emailed the Register requesting a photo of the kid. Suffice to say that LeJon bore more than a passing resemblance to our own LeBron James. 48 hours later, he would already be on a flight to the US. Thanks to a bizarre NBA sub-clause, the Cavaliers already owned the rights to LeJon. For the last three months, he's been working out in a hidden basement of Gund Arena. Magnus ver Magnusson has been signed as his strength coach. Magic Johnson has been secretly tutoring him. Mike Tyson has been signed on as his aggressiveness coach. Kiki Vandeweghe has agreed to never give him any basketball tips, ever. Soon, he will emerge. Look out, world. Look out, LeBron. |
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