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Lookin' Good! Fashion 101 with Dan Fazio
by dan fazio Hey guys, are you tired of being beaten and pantsed by male models? I know I was. That's why I took my own advice and followed my 8-fold path to Decent Male Grooming. Read on, less pantsings await.....  1. Know your style. Mesh tanktops aren't for everyone. I look good in one, Mr. T certainly looks good in one, but you probably don't. So hang it up, and grab a sensible camoflauge turtleneck instead.  2. Know your style, part II. Footwear is important. I never wear shoes that can't be polished, and neither should you. And remember, the taller they make you look, the better. I'm only 4'11", but when I wear my "special" loafers, I appear to be a healthy 6'5"!  3. Lose the gut. I know, you work 12 hours a day at the linen factory, when are you ever going to have time to work out? The simple answer is you don't. But this can help. I call it the "Fun" diet, because it's based on eating Funyuns. Have one 12-ounce bag of Funyuns for breakfast, another 12-ounce bag for lunch, and a sensible dinner. You'll be dropping pants sizes within days. Fun!  4. Tuxedos. Practically everyone looks good in a tux. Even tuxed gorillas appear dapper, and they're not human. When I'm not wearing a mesh tanktop, I'm wearing a tuxedo.  5. Lose the three B's. What are the three B's? Belt buckles, boots and bandanas. Unless you've hogtied something this week, you can't wear this stuff. Save it for line-dancing at TGI Friday's.  6. Always shave, except when you don't. Get it? No? Good, I have your attention. This is one of those unbreakable rules that must sometimes be broken. Always, always, always be clean-shaven. Except, when you're not. Get it? Yes? Sweet.  7. Know your smell. Guys have various smells, ranging from dog to Playstation 2 to fart. You've got to camoflauge all these scents before the ladies come within 10 yards of you. I like gasoline, personally. You can get a gallon of this high-octane cologne for about $1.50, depending on what state you live in, and it'll last for a year. What's more manly than gasoline? Nothing, except maybe a rodeo cowboy stabbing a communist to death with a bottle of whiskey.  8. Finally, be smart. You might have followed all these rules, but you still look, smell and act like a hobo. Always take a good look at yourself in the mirror before heading out. And remember: When in doubt, ask Mom! Until next time, the faz |
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