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An Uninformed Guide to... Being a Comedy Writer or How to get published on Lunchboxing Perhaps you've read some of the fantastic humor content on this web-site and thought to yourself, "God damn it, where did my pants go?" or "Hey, I could write that!" Here's a simple guide on how to get your fun-stuff published on this here inter-web-site! Lesson one: Using the words "pants" is funny. See, you're learning already. You're just 10 more easy steps from becoming a real dipshit-fartsicle. By dipshit-fartsicle, we mean comedy writer. And that brings us to Lesson two: Hyphenating things is funny. And saying, "By tree, we mean hat" is also funny. Shit! Maybe this should have been two lessons. Moving on! Here are ten things that are guaranteed comedy gold. 10. Pants 9. Lack of pants 8. Bowel movements 7. Exxxxtreeeemmme bowel movements 6. Scott Baio 5. Cheese 4. Uncontrollable swearing 3. 80s actors 2. Scott Baio and 1. Scott Baio As you can see, the best comedy centers on Scott Baio. Often, you can simply borrow a paragraph of text and replace all the words that normally begin with "s" with "Scott Baio." Here's an example from some of the most boring text you can find... a scholarly analysis of the Patriot Act. Let's watch! "The implications for online privacy are considerable. For example, the Act increases the ability of law enforcement agencies to authorize installation of pen registers and trap and trace devices (a pen register collects the outgoing phone numbers placed from a Scott Baio telephone line; a trap and trace device captures the incoming numbers placed to a Scott Baio phone line -- a caller-id box is a trap and trace device), and to authorize the installation of Scott Baio devices to record all computer routing, addressing, and Scott Baio information. The Act also extends the government's ability to gain access to personal financial information and Scott Baio information without any Scott Baio of wrongdoing, Scott Baio by certifying that the information likely to be obtained is relevant to an ongoing criminal investigation." Hilarious! This brings us to Lesson three: Scott Baio combined with uncontrolled motherfucking swearing is funnier than a pile of shit-feces. You're getting it! But Lunchboxing, you ask, what if I don't want to write an article about Scott Baio? Ah, my friend, you can still write something funny, if not mind-rapingly witty. Just take a current topic and offer a slightly "off" viewpoint. This is how those millionaires at The Onion have been doing it for the past 20 years. Here's a good example: George Bush. It seems like the guy will attack anything that moves! I don't know about you, but it seems like he might launch a nuclear strike against his opponent in the 2004 election! Am I right, people? God, I just pissed myself. Okay, lesson four: radically unusual viewpoints are the highest of high comedy. As we just learned! Try to keep up. Lesson five: The following words will guarantee a laugh. Baio syrup homo-erectus That is all. Lessons six through ten: Consider your audience. Are you writing for grandma? Then you might want to hold off on that Ashton Kutcher felching joke. Actually, use it anyway. Good luck, people! See you on Leno! |
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