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by dan fazio If you follow professional sports, which you probably don't, you may have heard that the Portland Trailblazers recently released a 25-point list detailing the "pledges" the front office will make to fans and players. The Jailblazers, as they've come to be known, are notorious for felonious behavior. Chances are, if you lived in Portland at any point within the last 5 years, you: a) got into a traffic altercation with a gun-toting Blazer b) were raped by a gun-toting Blazer c) smoked a bowl with a gun-toting Blazer d) smoked a bowl, got into a traffic altercation with a gun-toting Blazer, then were raped. The Blazers' 25 pledges had to be whittled down from 50, but Lunchboxing was able to obtain the "lost" guarantees. Enjoy. We, The Portland Trailblazers, hereby promise: * To draft smaller and weaker players you'd have a better chance against after a traffic altercation. * To hold two "Fan Forums" each season for fans to pelt Bonzi Wells with medium to medium-large stones, followed by a communal raping. 
* To make Damon Stoudamire revisit each year of school, starting with kindergarten, until he graduates high school on his own. Only then will he inherit his billionaire father's company. * To keep Rasheed Wallace's enormous manhood from falling out of his John Stockton shorts and impregnating all ovulating women in a 100-meter radius. * To pin Kobe's rap on at least one but possibly two current Blazers. * To reduce the size of Arvydas Sabonis' head. Seriously, it's like a softball on a toothpick. When you turn on the "Big Heads" mode in NBA Jam, it actually gets smaller. * To remove the pot brownie vending machine from the locker room. * To re-sign Isiah Rider, just so we can cut him. * To try to make smarter deals. Instead of offering $70 million to an overweight, crank-addicted sex addict (Shawn Kemp), we will offer $50 million. * To make sure that any future crank-addicted players at least lose weight on the drug. * To assign Zach Randolph to permanent "Ruben Patrol," in which, in case Ruben Patterson gets into trouble, Randolph will hit him in the neck with a lead pipe. * To change Ruben Patterson's nickname from "Kobe Stopper" to the more accurate "Asscaptain." * To assign Damon Stoudamire a new number representing his value to the team. Double zero. * To cut or trade one of the team's 9 point guards. Don't worry: we'll retain at least 7 point guards. 
* To charge $97 instead of $105 for a seat that's still sorta crappy. * To neuter Ruben Patterson, Shawn Kemp (retroactively) * To search each player's Hummer for rolling papers, tinfoil wrappers, coke can pipes and copies of Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" before each game. * To more effectively bribe local police and officials. * To remove sticker from uniforms that reads, "Don't like how I'm playing? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT." * To surgically remove Ruben Boumtje Boumtje's extra Boumtje. * To sign fan favorite Chris Dudley to a 100-year extension. 
* To keep head coach Maurice Cheeks mildly sedated at all times, so he can't escape. * To acknowledge and address franchise highs and lows in a clear, straightforward manner. Starting... now. * To have our organization, its staff and team members be active in the community, aside from court-mandated community service. * To educate players so that Portland is a special place and to stop raping the fans, goddamn it! |
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