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by dan fazio As if the war on terror and the terror of war weren't enough to scare your average American into hibernation, we are now facing one of the deadliest and most mysterious diseases since flesh-eating Ebola. Step 1: What is SARS? -SARS is most likely a virus. -If SARS isn't a virus, we will likely have to colonize the moon to avoid it. -SARS probably originated in ASIA. -The following ethnic groups are very likely to be SARS carriers: Asians, Russians, Canadians, Italians, the French, Germans, Sri Lankans, Mexicans, Australians and especially Asians. -If at any time you see an Asian person, run a minimum of 2 miles away. SARS Prevention in Public Places 1) Avoid public places. If your boss wonders why you haven't come to work, tell him you have SARS. 2) If you must leave your home, realize that you are taking your life into your own hands. 3) City streets are dirty and contaminated. Buy a Segway scooter so your feet don't have to touch the ground. 4) If your feet touch the ground, immediately dip them in bath of highly-concentrated lye. 5) Thousands of hands touch public doors each hour. Only use automatic revolving doors. 6) If you find yourself having to open a door manually, get someone else to do it for you. Then simply motor your Segway through. 7) If a pedestrian at any time touches your Segway scooter, immediately hop off and run a minimum of 2 miles away. 8) Don't even think of using a public restroom. In these trying times, nobody will blame you for defecating on yourself. SARS Prevention in the Home While duct tape and vigorous hand-washings will protect you from nuclear fallout, they do next to nothing against SARS. If you feel your home has been exposed to SARS, take these precautions. 1) Burn your house down. 2) The fire will attract paramedics. Steal one of their sterile facemasks. 3) Don facemask. 4) Run a minimum of 2 miles away. SARS Prevention for the Traveler Perhaps you travel for work. You may want to avoid the following countries: China, Japan, Vietnam, South Korea, Australia, New Zealand, Italy, France, Spain, Iceland, England, Argentina, Germany, Guam, Canada, Vatican City, Monte Carlo, Greece, Indonesia, Uruguay, Sri Lanka, Brazil, Jamaica, Greenland, Russia and the North Pole. As of this writing, the South Pole is still considered a safe destination for the SARS-savvy traveler. Proper SARS etiquette As we have mentioned, the quickest way to get SARS is to go around touching the street and public doors. But you can also contract the disease from people! It is safer to remain in a hermetically-sealed bunker than it is to shop for groceries, but we realize that life must go on. The following is an example of how two SARS-savvy individuals might conduct a casual, grocery-store conversation. Shopper #1: (standing two arm-lengths away) Excuse me sir, I would like to browse that pile of tomatoes, but I fear that coming any closer would put both of us at risk of contracting the deadly virus, or non-virus, SARS. Shopper #2: (alarmed) Of course! I am nearly finished selecting my tomato. (hastily grabs a tomato) There we go! All yours, pal. (takes three steps back, secretly drops tomato on floor). Shopper #1: (runs a minimum of 2 miles away) Shopper #2: (runs a minimum of 2 miles away) Final Thoughts Government officials are certain that, with proper precautions, we can ride out this SARS epidemic with only 35 to 45 percent population death. If you follow these steps, you are well on your way to survival. Remember: When in doubt, don't breathe! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Terror Preparedness! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Gambling! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Television! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To The Nightly News! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Scrabble! |
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