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Fan Fiction: The Weirdest Day I Ever Had

by Shaq O'Neal

July, 1994. I was in Orlando, cruising down Pineapple Grove in my convertible Le Baron, listening to Will Smith's Summertime. And I was loving every minute of it. I still had three weeks until I had to report for training camp, so coach was taking it easy on us with informal workout sessions. The night before, Penny and I had gone out to Club Mango and met these amazing girls, Candy and Solstice, but that's another story. Anyway, I had slept until noon, and now it was time to get down to the "O"rena and practice free throws.

The breeze whipped across my bald head and each evaporating bead of sweat sent a pleasurable chill through my spine. It was nearly 100 degrees out, but when you're pushing 90 mph in a Le Baron, it feels like heaven. The tall and willowy palm trees reminded me of myself--flexible but powerful--as their tips swayed ever so gently in the wind.

This was fast becoming the best day of my life, I thought to myself. I had a hot honey waiting at home for after practice, the beautiful open road in front of me, and my good friend Will Smith's street-inspired musical stylings blasting on the system.

Then I met the Crypt Keeper and was obliged to pose for a photo with him. Ugh! I missed 75 out of 100 free throws that afternoon.

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