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Shaq's Wedding: A Diary by Boozy the Clown Editor's note: Los Angeles Laker Shaquille O'Neal was recently wed in a private ceremony. Lunchboxing correspondent Boozy the Clown was on hand as part of the festivities. Here is his fascinating diary. 5:42 AM: My alarm wakes me from an alcohol-soaked slumber. Note to self: No more after-hours Jager shots with Bob the Midget. 6:20 AM: I'm driving 89 mph on the 10 ... Shaq's assistant said all hired clowns would need to arrive at 6:30 promptly. 6:35 AM: Janeane, Shaq's whiny assistant-bitch, publicly humiliates me in front of the other clowns for being 5 minutes late. Bitch. 7:10 AM: Raoul, today's event coordinator, has passed out the festive hats and clown tuxedo jackets. Then 25 more clowns show up. I thought we all had to be here at 6:30! In any case, I now count 50 professional clowns in attendance. We're all milling around in clown tuxedoes with Shaq's number on the back and a squirting flower in the front. I'm beginning to wonder just what the hell this guy has planned. 7:40 AM: Oh, I'm soooo glad I got here at 6:30, Janeane! I've only been sitting here chatting up Arnold, the gay clown from Santa Monica, for the last 30 minutes. Hell, at least I'm making $7.50 an hour plus bennies for my trouble. 8:14 AM: All right, something is happening. This slick-looking guy is teaching us chorus-line kicks. Apparently Shaq wants a "clown chorus" at the entrance to his wedding. Whatever. 9:40 AM: They finally feed us clowns breakfast. Shaq and his guests will soon be munching on appetizers created by Wolfgang Puck, but us clowns have to make do with a bucket of scrambed eggs and Little Debbie. 10:30 AM: We've been practicing these damn chorus-line kicks for so long I think I've ruptured my ACL. Christ. I resist the temptation to kick Janeane as she walks by the line. 11:30 AM: Shaq and his bride arrive! He poses for a picture with Lenny, one of the more famous black clowns in LA. 11:55 AM: The first of Shaq's guests begin arriving. Me and the other 49 clowns are to maintain the clown chorus until the last guest has arrived. I spot P. Diddy. 1:00 PM: The wedding commences. All the clowns remain in the back of the chapel, standing with our hands clasped behind our backs like formal butlers or something. 1:25 PM: Shaq and his new wife kiss for the first time. P. Diddy is audibly weeping. 1:35 PM: The guests begint to file out. We're told to "frolic." Kobe's wife drops her purse and bends over to pick it up, exposing her cleavage, pushed to its fullest capacity by a white, lacy bra. After that, I'm too busy trying to conceal my erect clown penis to do much "frolicking." 2:45 PM: The happy couple and all the guests have left for the reception. Us clowns are getting debriefed. I'm forced to sign a document stating that I will not reveal any details of the wedding or who was in attendance, or my pay will be forfeit. Yeah, well, if Janeane wants my paycheck back, she'll have to pry it from the clasp of my cold, dead, clown hands. 4:45 PM: I'm at Bob the Midget's pad in the Valley. We're watching clown porn and drinking 40s. I got a kids party down in Long Beach tomorrow, but right now I'm just enjoying the warm, drunk comfort of Old English. Until next time, Boozy |
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