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I got a Tivo about three months ago and that, in itself, is the very definition of SWASS (SWEET + ASS). But - and this is a very big BUT - I have a bone to pick with the things it chooses to record when I'm not looking. See, Tivo has this feature whereby it will tape shows it thinks you will like so that, just in case you are sick of yet another episode of "The Sopranos" you can instead view an episode or two of "Joe Millionaire" or "A-Team" or whatever else the shit you want to watch. Sounds sweet, yes? No. Because my Tivo has gone apeshit on me lately and now seems to tape things seemingly at random. It seems especially obsessed with taping every single solitary appearance of "Lassie" in the history of television. NO MORE, Tivo. I hate that stupid long-tongued bitch of a bitch! So here, for your holiday entertainment, I have prepared a short list of 15 THINGS MY TIVO THINKS I AM THAT I AM NOT, along with the offending show(s): 1. ABBAManiac (ABBAMania) 2. A baseball fan (1971 Cincinatti Reds Year in Review) 3. 12 Years Old (Kim Possible, Scooby Doo) 4. Christian (700 Club) 5. Gay (the aforementioned Will & Grace, plus Nightline with Ted Koppel) 6. Gay 12-year old Christian (Davey & Goliath) 7. Charles Barkley Ð (Weekend at Bernie's Ð Sir Charles' favorite movie!) 8. Filipino (Maalaala Mo Kaya) 9. Dead (King of Queens, Yes Dear) 10. Everybody (Everybody Loves Raymond) 11. Don Imus' wife (Imus in the Morning) 12. Someone who hates hardcore lesbian pornography (N/A) 13. Elderly (Lawrence Welk Show) 14. Islamic (Al Jazeera Headline News) 15. Able to Speak Spanish (El Cometa, El Espacio de Tatiana, and the 1996 David Schwimmer vehicle "The Pallbearer" on HBO Latino). |
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