|
 |
 
by Bengodi D'oro If you've never "Driven from Kansas City to Seattle" there are many ways to do it. One is to "Drive from Kansas City to Seattle" without stopping. That is the way to do it for crankheads and truck drivers who are crankheads. Another is to stop in Sioux Falls, South Dakota and stay in the Super 8 ($29.95 plus tax for one bed, $45.95 plus tax for two beds). I'd choose two beds if I were you, because sleeping in one bed with your sister is kind of weird. Step 1: What is "Driving from Kansas City to Seattle"? In a word: Aitch. And that word, aitch, is actually how you spell the letter "H". So, in a letter: H. And that H stands for fun. And long. Step 2: Stop at the Corn Palace in Mitchell South Dakota. I would say the Corn Palace of 1995 was the best of the last 9 years (excluding 1997 which goes without saying as the actual best). Step 3: Stop at Wall Drug in Wall South Dakota. It is for everyone, and everyone is welcome. Except for gays, lesbian-gays, and dark-skinned black people. Honeymooners get a free coffee and donut. Step 4: Go to Mt. Rushmore. Many times Local TV Stations will ask you if you feel safe at Mt. Rushmore. In your most pretentious voice tell them that no terrorists care about South Dakota. They only care about cosmopolitan places like New York City, Washington DC, Yemen, and the Phillapinian island of Jolo. Once you've seen Mt. Rushmore, then you can really start driving. Drive fast through Wyoming. Don't see Devil's Tower. You've already seen it in Mashed Potatoes in "Close Encounters of a Third Kind," and maybe in "UHF." Step 5: Drive to Hardin Montana. Don't stay at the Super 8 (It costs $59.95 plus tax, construction starts at 7 in the morning, and they only have smoking rooms left). Maybe you should stay there if you like to smoke cigarillos, or crack, or human bone. Step 6: In Hardin Montana stay at the American Inn. It has a slide and a hot tub, but the hot tub won't be fixed until the Monday after your stay. And it's too cold to go on the slide. It was snowing on your drive there, idiot. Step 7: Start driving after you wake up. Drink a beer while driving in Montana because it is legal. No shit. It's your constitutional right. Washington put it in there near the back. Or Teddy Roosevelt, I can't remember. It could have been Lincoln or Jefferson, too. It doesn't matter, terrorists don't care. If you don't drink a beer while you're driving, then the terrorists win. And they've already won one day of the year back from us. Now nobody will be able to have a wedding on Sept. 11 without having to have a Sept. 11 theme. Step 8: Beat up a terrorist. It's legal in Montana. Step 9: Only listen to country music and rap music, because, hey, you're "Driving from Kansas City to Seattle". Step 10: Start talking like Nelly. Say "Do you want to stop over herre or over therre?" "I don't carre." "Can you pass me the gel for my hairre?" It's fun. Also, say "Dirty, Dirty Souf" like Ludacris, does. Real slow, and in a low voice: "I'm from the DIRTY-DIRTY SOUF." Now you've got it. Step 11: Drive the rest of the way across Montana, Idaho, and Washington. Hurry! Step 12: Then you are in Seattle. It's late. Go to bed, for tomorrow is a big day of driving ahead of you. Tomorrow you start "Driving from Your Apartment to Where the Mariners Play Baseball". See you therre. Click here for the Uninformed Guide To SARS Prevention! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Terror Preparedness! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Gambling! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Television! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To The Nightly News! Click here for the Uninformed Guide To Scrabble! |
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| lunchboxing.com 2003 | all content © | all rights reserved | suck it so hard | feel the rhythm of the night |
