|
 |
by stephen cody Glad to see you're here. You've come to the right place. I know this might sounds a little odd, especially to someone new to the whole "drinking alone" thing. Well, don't worry about that. Even the most experienced drinkers will find something of value in this essay. Sometimes you'll want to get drunk and won't know where to begin, or people will try to talk you out of it, or you won't even have any alcohol. I can guide you through many of these potential problems, as well as help you avert some you didn't even know you could be facing. Are you ready to drink, alone? Great! Let's get started. Rule #1 Have Alcohol. I can't stress this enough. If you're going to drink by yourself, you simply have to have immediate access to a healthy (or even unhealthy) quantity of alcohol. The type doesn't really matter. Anything from 190 proof Everclear to the meekest berry flavored Shnapps will get the job done, assuming there is enough to get the job done. If you've got the money, by all means go and pursue some top shelf burgundy wine, micro-brewed beer, or single malt so old that you won't get arrested for having sex with it. But keep in mind this is a course largely aimed at beginners, and beggars can't be choosers. If you're too young to buy alcohol or too broke to afford it, go steal some from someone else. House sitting is a great way to get access to oodles of alcohol; older relatives with limited capacities also offer a veritable treasure trove of booze. If you're a more experienced drinker, please look into the addendum for theme-specific beverages. There is always enough room on a credit card to get a 24 pack of beer or a fifth of booze. Rule #2 Set up an Optimum Environment. There are times when drinking by yourself is completely ideal, but even challenging circumstances can help achieve a more than adequate environment. I would recommend the following: 1) Lock your door. You don't want anyone walking in on you once you're "in the zone". 2) Unplug the phone. We will discuss phone options in a later rule. 3) Cover up all the windows, preferably with tin foil. Zero light is the ultimate goal this way, you can completely control your environment. If this is being read by Star Trek fans, please insert your own stupid "tin foil hat" joke here. And for the love of god, put on some fucking pants. 4) Television is optional, but I recommend having it on with the sound off. The Home Shopping Network, Soul Beat, or the USA Network should provide the sort of visual stimulus you're looking for. 5) Music is critical. Music will be covered in a later rule, but for now, make sure you have an ample stereo and plenty of CDs, records, or MP3s. Don't assume that your 20 favorite albums will suffice you just might reach a state where you have to hear an album you swore you would never want to hear again. 6) Lighting/Ambiance. This is key to the goals you're going to achieve in the next rule. Some people want all the lights on, some people want them all off, and many others prefer to split the difference. This ties in closely to your musical choices. Turning on a variety of psychedelic lighting while surrounded by happy music can create the illusion of a party without the hassle of guests; making the room pitch black while blowing your speakers out to the Cure's "Disintegration", though clichéd, can actually be a wonderfully emotional experience. As emotional as alcohol can let it get, anyway. Rule #3 Have Goals. Heart broken? Just quit your job and need to celebrate? Can't quit your job and just need some sort of self-medicating escape to keep you in the rat race for another day? Depressed about your youth? Under some misguided delusion that following these instructions will make you cool and interesting? Great! Go with it! Whatever you're after you will be able to find through a nice, private drunk. But don't just go at it without something in mind... Even a simple "Boy, was today tough!" or "You know what? I'm going to get fucking hammered tonight because I feel like it!" is more than adequate. How do you want to leave this experience? Do you want to feel renewed, buried in shame, refreshed, positive, or maybe suicidal? You can get there. Alcohol can get you there, but only if you let it. Try to spend a few minutes deciding how you feel, as well as why you're about to shorten your life by a few months. You'll be glad you did. Rule #4 Music. Some of the best albums I've ever heard, I've heard while drunk. In fact, I'd say that goes for most of 'em and no, not just the ones Frankie insists are the best albums ever. Alcohol, much like marijuana or other psychoactive substances, can deeply highten your appreciation for music. I've included a few ideas to get you started, but your mileage may vary. I have sorted them by volume, to give you several options depending on your neighbors: Really loud: 1) The Cure Disintegration (downer). 2) My Bloody Valentine Loveless (downer/upper, depending). 3) The Flaming Lips The Soft Bulletin (downer/upper, depending). 4) The Flaming Lips Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (generally an upper). 5) The Jesus Lizard Anything (David Yow understands whatever you're feeling). Medium volume: 1) Morrissey Vauxhall and I. 2) Whatever hip-hop MP3 you currently can't get out of your head on repeat. 3) The Sixths Any album. Low volume: 1) Anything by Frank Sinatra. 2) Elliott Smith. 3) Anything that isn't too nostalgic. Rule #4 Responsibility? Just say NO! For the love of God, make sure that you don't have any weird work/picking people up from the airport/having a baby commitments. That will ruin everything. On the plus side, if you do have these commitments, just keep drinking. Everything will be fine if you keep drinking. Avoiding responsibility doesn't make you an alcoholic, per se, but it could lead to one of those annoying interventions if you push it too far. Rule #5 To Phone or not to Phone? Do you want to embarrass yourself and make some late night, drunken phone calls? Need to say something that you just can't in the light of day with a sober mind? Then dial, my friend! Dial away! Don't say I didn't warn you, though. It's quite possible to black out or have regrets the next day... Not that it's ever stopped me, but you may feel differently. I would recommend against leaving voicemails or answering machine messages, and be careful about answering. It could be anyone. Rule #6 Don't Feel Guilty! A lot of people will tell you that drinking by yourself makes you an alcoholic. A lot of people will tell you that drinking alone is for losers. Still, other people will tell you that to truly enjoy life, you should be outside, socializing with others. What do all of these people have in common? FUCK THEM! That's what they have in common! They aren't there, drinking like a fish and having a great time! They're the losers! You're a powerful, witty person! Tell yourself jokes and snicker. Isn't that better than hanging out with a bunch of rock climbers at the gym? Guilt is for people doing something wrong, not people having a great time getting drunk by themselves! If you start to feel guilty, drink an entire drink immediately. The DMV considers a drink to be one 12 ounce glass of beer, one 8 ounce glass of wine, or 1 and a quarter ounces of 80 proof liquor. Down the hatch! Conclusion If you follow these simple rules, you should have a great time drinking all by your lonesome. If you don't have time to go through all six rules, the only really critical one is the first one. Just make sure that you have your alcohol and you can probably make it happen. Please let us know how it goes, and rememberŠ Have fun with it! Drinking a Tanqueray and Tonic, Stephen Cody Addendum In brief: 1) Tequila if you're excited 2) Gin if it's hot out 3) Vodka if you're indifferent 4) Single Malt if you can 5) Scotch on the rocks if you're nostalgic 6) Wine if you're effeminate 7) Beer if you're bored 8) Rum for something different 9) Everclear if you want to die 10) Shots of Bailey's chased with Murphy's if you're effeminate and it's cold out. |
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| lunchboxing.com 2003 | all content © | all rights reserved | suck it so hard | feel the rhythm of the night |
