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  by chaz weinheart With the frigid winter months quickly approaching (March 1, 2067) it is time that we each look closely at our lives and ascertain our personal system of values. Do you believe in God? In Honesty? For most of the people out there who are not communists, the answer to these two questions is a resounding "No." Yes, for a majority of us out there, our lives revolve around one thing entirely: Money. Think of it: green... powerful... that incredible smell. With enough of these you could rule the world. That's right, I'm talking about alligators. And what better way to increase your personal reserves of money than holding up a bank with your writhing army of alligators? But don't take my word for it, in this new edition of The Uninformed Guide, I've carefully laid out numerous tips like this to "Beat the Bank" and preserve your precious piles of greasy blood-and-shit-stained cash. 1. Accept money from anybody. Many people miss this extremely important step in achieving personal finance goals. Old people, the disabled and the dead are perfectly fine to socialize, joke around and have sex with -- as long as they're giving you money. The next time someone offers you money and you refuse, remember: his life now belongs to you. 2. Spread salt and vinegar potato chip topping on money. 5. Give your money to me. I will keep it safe for you, invest it properly and pay you back with interest after an agreed upon period of time. Over time, as you grow accustomed to this practice, I will introduce fees associated with my services that will soon wipe out the value of the interest I pay back to you. Eventually I will invent large metal machines that dispensse your money to you, at another fee, just to spite you. I will color them orange and have them speak to you in Spanish, English, or Cantonese. 3. Buy potting soil and let your money G R O W! 5. Become a millionaire. This is really the key to all personal finance goals. However you make your dollars (see "alligator" comment above for a great tip) make sure you have at least a million of them before you set your personal finance goals. Here's another great idea: stab someone. 6. Read as much as you can. Reading leads to a life of pornography, and where you're going, boy, you'll need to know as much about pornography as possible. 79. Three words: Slip and Slide 1. The jade statuette. Take it, now. As you can see, saving money for the future (6 p.m.) is easy and extremely rewarding. But don't take my word for it, in this new edition of The Uninformed Guide I've carefully laid out numerous tips like this to "Beat the Bank" and preserve your precious piles greasy blood and shit stained cash (see above). |
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