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Through Hell and Tobacco: The Jason Betrue Story
by jason betrue 
October 29, 2002 Today makes four weeks since my last cigarette. I was up to a pack a day habit, give or take, and dropped it cold turkey on the evening of October 1. As a means of celebration, here are a few excerpts from my personal journal over the last 29 days. *October 1 - Cut back from approximately 20 cigarettes down to a grand total of four today with no problem whatsoever. No urges, nothing major. In a very good place mentally, and I think that's what it's going to take to conquer this thing. I think now is the perfect time to just do it. That's it, the decision is made. I am no longer a smoker. *October 3 - Things are still going pretty good on the non-smoking tip. I'm feeling the tug a bit more than I have up til now. I'm having what I call "hot spots" where it feels like my blood is boiling under my skin in random places. Some strange neurological reaction, I imagine. *October 4 - No, seriously, do I look like I'm interested in the fact that you are leaving work early to go listen to fucking Dave Barry speak. Jesus Christ, could you be anymore of a cracker? Anyway, as for the non-smoking, I think the withdrawals are at a high. The "hot spots" are raging, and I feel like there is a small infestation of fire ants colonizing at the base of my neck, perhaps around my medulla oblongata. My positive mental state is starting to break down a bit, I'm beginning to get nervous, maybe I should cut back on the caffeine...lots of foot tapping, stretching, pen chewing, deep breaths. The day's not even half over. I do wish I had a cigarette, if not to smoke, so at least I could stab it in Charlie's eye if he tries to talk to me about Dave Barry again. No, I'm not kidding, if you looked like Keith Carradine, would you wear a pocket protector? Honestly? *October 5 - Note to self: All day outdoor concerts and alcohol not conducive to non-smoking process. That was a bad idea. A bad idea, as opposed to a good idea. It was nice of Janette to put up with me. I need to go to sleep, I feel like shit. *October 9 - Eight days without a cigarette. The withdrawals have subsided, except for an occasional outburst, but somehow my desire to actually smoke is at an all-time high. I was so wrapped up in quitting that I forgot that there was a reason I actually did it. Like the fact that I enjoy it. It gives you something to do without doing anything. A crutch, yeah, probably...but isn't every person allowed a vice of some kind? Ah, no matter...I'm not going to start again. I can't. I've gotten through the hard part, and to make myself do it again, just so I can spend a little longer killing myself doesn't seem like a smart decision. Yeah. *October 14 - Still not smoking. I was reminded today of my reasons for quitting to begin with. Chris said to me, "Hey, do me a favor...quit smoking." And I replied, "Okay." People have done this before, but coming from Chris, who has never asked me for anything, I saw things in a different light. Smoking is a selfish act, yes. Second hand smoke is an issue, but mostly you're just hurting yourself. So, what does that mean for the people who care about you? What is it like to, everyday, watch a person you care about slowly hurt him/herself? It's a feeling I was desensitized to growing up...Dad being a two-pack-a-day smoker. We always wanted him to quit, but it just wasn't something you could ask. He cut back, tried to quit, but it was something he just could not do. If he had quit smoking after his first heart attack, he would still be alive. If he had quit smoking cigarettes, such a seemingly arbitrary act - lighting a paper tube filled with leaves on fire and inhaling the smoke into your lungs - if he had quit doing that, he would most likely still be alive today. It's hard not to think of it as completely selfish in that light. *October 18 - They say smoking makes you impotent. I never had that problem. However, since I quit smoking I have been masturbation has increased a whopping 700%. I wonder if there is a connection. *October 22 - I told Chris today, after holding back for three weeks, that I quit smoking, and that it was all his fault. He was pleased, mostly because he didn't realize he had these special powers. He promised that he would use them for good alone, and that if he had known he had them, he probably would have used them before. I asked, "Do you mean like, 'Hey, Jason - do me a favor, don't get married.'" Laugh city. *October 28 - Tomorrow will be four full weeks since my last cigarette. I think for the most part, it is no longer an issue. Occasionally I will get nervous and feel like I need to do something with myself, but for the most part, it seems to be over with. Sometimes it's hard to justify the change when you don't have anything else going on...when you get down. You look at your life and say, "Why am I not smoking again?" It's like anything, I think. If you go on a diet, and it doesn't really improve your general level of happiness, all you really focus on is what you don't have that you used to have...denying yourself the things you enjoy, as it were, itıs easy to ask "to what end?" I like to be as dramatic as possible about things, and I say things like "You never know why you're going to die, so why don't you just enjoy life - live it to the fullest, be a hedonist. You could get hit by a truck when you're 28, then what good did not buying that Twix do you? Besides, what is better...a long, drawn-out life of abstinence, or a not-quite-so-long life where you did everything you wanted and indulged in the finer things that this world has to offer for the short time you have to spend on it?" That's a dangerously compelling argument, and not without its merits. I guess it goes back to the selfish thing. Would I want the people I love to take this position and just "live," or would I want them to take it easy so they can stick around, with me, as long as possible. And is my wanting them to deprive themselves of pleasure for the benefit of their company in itself selfish? Surely I wouldn't want them to be unhappy. I guess that's a big part of it...if someone absolutely needed to smoke, drink, eat Twix to be a happy person, then how could I, or anyone, rightfully try to keep that from them? Because they don't know what's best for them? You have to have your own free will and make your own decisions. I guess, in the end, my feelings on this kind of come down to what Flam said, "It's all about moderation." I agree. Do the things that you need to make yourself a happy person, without sacrificing your health or your "self" in the process. What else can you do? A few notes. * If that part about my Dad made you say "Why the fuck did you ever start?" Yeah, I know. * Chris is a friend of mine who's been around for about 15 years...longer than any other. Janette is a friend who's been around for about 9 months. * "Flam" was in reference to Jamie Flam, who some of you might know. *The tobacco industry is to humans, as the beef industry is to cows. |
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