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Adventures in Adventure: The Next American Idol by jeff berson As a kid, I always dreamt of making it in this world. These dreams led me on quests; quests that always ended up with me lying half-naked, bruised, and 20 pounds overweight in a receptacle filled with a combination of vomit and filth. There was the time I pursued my dream of being a track-and-field star. I tried out for the track team in high school, where the coach pronounced in the school paper that I was too slow and stupid to make the team. This led me on a week-long binge of Winchell's Cream Donuts, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Yoo-Hoos. I came home from my binge and my uncle, Wayne Herman, hit me so hard that he knocked me unconscious, after which I threw-up in the hamper. Then he threw me into the hamper with dirty clothes and wet underwear. And the throw-up. What a mess! Well, after this, I had a new dream. But this dream would lead me to be a rich and famous rock star. The best way to do this was to be on American Idol, my favorite show since it ever began. I love and respect Simon, the man who discovered the talents of Justin and Kelly (and the black girl!!). Someone said he was mean, but he couldn't be worse than the high school track coach, or my uncle, Wayne Herman. So I wasn't scared, and I had natural singing talent on my side. I packed up a backpack full of Winchell's Cream Donuts, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Yoo-Hoos, and hit the road to the American Idol auditions in Austin, Texas. Driving up, I thought of what song I was going to sing. And every song that came on the radio would have been an awesome choice. I finally decided that I'd sing the last song I heard on the car ride. Pulling up to the motel, I parked the car to the sounds of Madonna's "La Isla Bonita". I was so happy. Not only did I know that songs' first verse and chorus, but I knew the dance moves that went along with it. I was pumped: 12 hours until I'd impress Simon, and get a contract. Then it'd be bye-bye Uncle Wayne Herman, and hello to better-new-Uncle-guy. I showed up wearing some classic threads. Real nice looking type of clothes. I didn't shave because I wanted to have that "George Michael - Faith" edge. When it was my turn, I walked in the room really classy-like and said hi to Simon, the little girl and big black guy. I think the little girl was a singer or something, but I wasn't focused on her. After all, Simon had the vote that counted. I looked directly at Simon, (ignoring the black guy, and the little girl completely). I started to harmonize, and then broke into my rendition of "La Isla Bonita". To tell you the truth, I could have done a lot better, but it was alright. After I was done, I spun on the floor and finished with a wild yell!! I wish you could have been there to see it. It was only a matter of moments before my life would change forever-for the better!! 
Wayne Herman's nephew struts his stuff for Simon. First up was the black guy. He said, "What the hell was that? That was so bad." Then the little girl said something negative as well. But now came the vote that counted, Simon!! Simon proclaimed, "You are an idiot. Get out of here. You wasted our time. Goodbye!"
I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. I walked out devastated. It was back to my shanty with my abusive Uncle, Wayne Herman. I was so depressed that I hysterically fell on the floor in front of the audition room. I opened my backpack and ate my bag of snacks. I was so full that I threw up all over myself. Security got one look at me, grabbed me by my shirt, and threw me down the stairs. The shirt ripped off my back when they threw me. I landed on my head in the garbage dumpster, and became unconscious and there I lay, among the garbage in the pouring Austin rain, until I came to. On my way home, I had a new dream: Olympic track-star!!! |
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