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Cell Block Party! 5 "Tricks" To Make Prison Time, Fun Time by jeff berson Been convicted of a felony? Judge sentence you to 8-10 years in the state pen? Don't worry!!! Here are some surefire tips to make your stay in the slammer is as enjoyable as a Club Med vacation with your sweetheart. -Be friendly- Introduce yourself to everyone in the penal colony with a firm handshake and healthy sincere smile. Like a job interview, make eye contact. Introduce yourself with a cute intro, like this: "Hi I'm Jeff, I'm doing five to ten for taking five to ten thousand dollars from the bank," and add a little wink to emphasis you're playful nature. Wink a lot. Think of your intro line while being sentenced at the court. Ask the judge for help! 
Pics from my first stint; July 4th, 1998. -Be clean- Be sure to go the extra mile in cleaning yourself up. Spend a lot of time in the shower, or waiting to shower. When you're not in the shower, ask other people when they're gonna shower, and if they'd like a shower buddy. Once in the shower room, be very talkative. If you feel the need, by all means sing your favorite song. It will put a smile on everyone's face. I like to sing songs about animals. I sing "Eye of the Tiger", "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and "Maneater". Actually, "Maneater" isn't about an animal, but any Hall & Oates song will work like magic. Also, wear a robe with your name on it, so everyone gets familiar with you. It also helps you pull off that sought after "just-out-of-the-shower" look. -Finish your meal- No one likes someone who leaves food on their plate, especially the cooks and wait staff who serve you the food. And always leave a nice 20-25% tip. Be generous. Your stay is not permanent, so please, give while you are there. Those people work hard! -Play a lot of practical jokes- Loosen up the mood in the cell block with a cleverly timed joke. Steal someone's towel in the shower. Pretend like your mad at someone, but later reveal that you weren't mad at all. When walking, pretend that you stubbed your toe, and when someone comes to help, let them in on the joke, and let the laughs roll in.  Me throwing back a couple with the boys in cell-block 8; second stint New Year's Eve, 2001. -Have fun- No one says prison has to be boring, hard, or awful. Make it fun. It's pretty much a bunch of guys that just want to have fun and make new friends. Sneak off into someone else's cell and play a game of solitaire while they root you on. Memorize the state capitals and quiz your buddies. Pretend that you're throwing a swimming party, and invite your prison pals on cute stationary. Free-style rap with your chums, and have a dance party every couple of weeks. That's just a couple of hints to make the most out of lockdown. The rest is up to you! Good luck in the penitentary, or as I call it the "fun"itentary. |
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