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Dungeons and Decorations by Jeff Berson There has been a recent frenzy on home improvement, which I think is great, but I feel like the most important room has been neglected. It's the room where I spend most of my time. Of course I'm talking about the dungeon. The dungeon is the place where I can truly be the individual that I am without the world making judgments about me. The dungeon can be designed to be as mysterious, threatening, or horrifying, as you want, if you simply follow my suggestions. Here are some tips to make your dungeon as accommodating as possible to fit your sinister needs. First of all, you need to have control of the lighting in your underground lair. It needs to be very dim, so that way your captor can't make out your description if they escape. I put in this neat black light that I turn on from time to time, to turn up the creep factor!! My latest dungeon guest is really freaked out! Next, you're going to want your dungeon to have complete temperature control. Whether you prefer a chilly room, or a musty and damp environment, make sure that you have a rickety fan, dry ice, and a leaky pipe to add to the eerie feel. This latest kid I have down there is really cold, and is constantly asking for sheets. Too bad for him I won't grant him that request! I mean, this isn't the Holiday Inn!! So inquisitive and naive that little kid can be sometimes. Another important dungeon feature is to make the room sound-proof. The screams caused by your deviant behavior will be silenced with sound-proof walls. This way your neighbors will have no reason to start getting suspicious. Also the missing local boy's parents will not knock on your door anytime soon! Now let's get to the accessories. You need a state-of-the-art mask rack that can house 6-8 masks. The last thing you want is a mask-rack that can't hold all your masks. You also need a workstation table that can store all your clamps, gags, duck tape, shears, pliers, saws, hefty trash bags, robes, and dolls. You also want some sturdy wall sconces to hold your chains, ropes, insect jars, and whips. One of my last visitors was clamped in by the leaky pipe, and I tormented him in my robe donning my devil/horse mask. The poor kid fainted on me. He woke up just in time to see me feed him a roach while I was wearing my clown mask. It was a blast! One last tip, get a surveillance camera so you can relive your most menacing and disturbing moments over and over again. Make sure to be careful what you do with the tapes, because the last thing you want is the feds getting their hands on those gems. Incriminating!!!! So have fun with your dungeon, but remember to stay within your budget. And remember, that you didn't hear this from me (Wink!!) Check out these other Jeff Berson classics: -Solutionology 101: The 12:30 Conundrum -Da' J Biz Sporting Machine: Two On With Dale Ellis -New Discoveries |
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