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"Hey Doog! These Girls Are Bangin'!" by stephen berger Imagine my surprise; for the first time in my life, I found myself in a real-life Hollywood nightclub. Sure there was no one of actual fame within blocks of the Sunset Room, but the crowd was overstocked with hipness. The guys were so cool they had to wear sunglasses. Each guy had his own personally crafted style of facial hair and remarkably spiky hair. Some even wore wrist guards like the ones I wear when I play racquetball to absorb sweat! There was a DJ, and boy was he great. His transitions were so smooth that it seemed like we were hearing the same song over and over again. The DJ even had a court jester-like fellow that accompanied him by banging a small drum set out of time with the music. As spectacular as all of this was, let's be perfectly honest, I was there for the ladies. I arrived at the club too early to see everyone arrive, so I wasn't aware of the lady situation that was brewing by 11:00. Luckily my friend Sol came back from the bathroom and told me that "Porn's greatest hits were gathering in the lobby." I slapped my knee and thought, lucky dog! I left my table and prepared to make the rounds. As soon as I entered the club's main space, I was shocked to find that I had been transported to a 1920's street corner. Everywhere I looked beautiful fake-breasted anorexics wore caps in the style of newsboys of that bygone era. You know, the cute little numbers that button down in the front. The only difference was that these caps came in an assortment of stylish pastel hues. I instantly felt like an extra in my favorite 90's historically-based-musical-comedy, Newsies. In my mind, I heard the girls yelling out, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it: Capone Beats the Wrap!" in adorable Boston or Chicago accents. This raised my hopes that I would see "Vinny" from Doogie Howser M.D., the only L.A. celebrity I was actively hoping to see that night. 
I was confounded. Could it actually be that this headgear had overtaken the popularity of the colored cowboy hat without coming to my attention? All evidence suggested that this was indeed the case. Thankfully, my friend Steve, the holder of all fashion news was on hand to drop knowledge on my ignorant ass. "Are these hats in style now?" I asked. "It's a Hip-Hop thing," he said, "They must be Hip-Hop girls." This raised my hopes because I'm about as Hip-Hop as they come. I scoped out the girls in my vicinity. Which would be the first that I could display my knowledge to? Should I open up with a discussion of Black Star or Latyrx? Old School or Underground? The night had suddenly become ripe with possibilities and this little newsboy was ready to make a delivery. |
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