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 People may talk crazy shit behind Chris Weisbart's back, calling him a "dirty thief", "ol' dregs o' the earth", and "real bad news". But that doesn't mean he still can't have his very own, unique vision of the world, however disturbing it may be. Lunchboxing sympathizes with Chris, and have humored him with Weisbart's World so that he can "amuse" and "entertain" us. No, but seriously, this is funny. bullied by jamie flam on 9/13/2002 :: Rules for Becoming a Literary G 1. Insist that your parents divorce. 2. Shake your head at George W. Bush as speaks and say, “His speechwriters could make Helen Keller sound good.” 3. Watch the Learning Channel in the bathtub while calling old friends. 4. Never learn to play Bridge. 5. Think of titles for things all the time. When people tell you their suggestion for a good name for a band, give them a name for their first album. 6. Rank your top three Leonardo DiCaprio movies 1. The Beach 2. This Boy’s Life 3. Titanic. 7. Say things like, “I almost used a whole roll of toilet paper on that cursed shit.” 8. Search “Jack Kerauoc” on Ebay. 9. Lead every conversation back to Tom Waits. 10. Always dress like it’s late fall. 11. Let unsigned bands stay at your house. 12. Never visit San Diego because the lapdances are so awful there. 13. Break up the signifier from the sign and then have them make-up. 14. Write everyday or at least Instant Message every day. 15. Hate certain Bob Dylan albums. 16. Say mean things like, “Hunter Thompson and Tom Wolfe just called. They want you to know that you make them regret that they invented New Journalism.” Then feel awful bad about saying such a thing and picture spending the rest of your life alone. 17. When people asking you what you have been up to, say, “I’m working on my Ph.D.” When they ask, “Where?” Say, “I’m doing it freelance.” 18. Describe former professors as “amazing.” 19. Love the wrong people without letting them know. 20. Interview for jobs you would never take. 21. Don’t send text messages to portable devices, yet. 22. Don’t commit suicide until a University buys your papers. 23. Find an editor who is better than you. bullied by Pete Nicely on 9/12/2002 :: Bundy, Beatty, & MAC  With prominent posts about September 11th and "special treats" on the site right now, I figured the next logical feature would have to include a sexually controversial piece by a lunchboxer named "strict obeyer of rules". The sexual viewpoints of strict obeyer do not necssarily reflect the sexual viewpoints of the rest of the lunchboxing Bullies, who are all sexual creatures, don't get me wrong. But to quote the ever-eloquent lunchboxer jason betrue, "it's just that Piercing the Flesh Apocalyptica is a different and special thing for everybody". **correction: there is one lunchboxer who reputedly HATES sex, but they (chris weisbart) will remain unnamed for the purpose of the protection of their privacy. bullied by jamie flam on 9/12/2002 :: Treat Me Nice!  Anyone who knows me is probably aware that I looooove treats! My favorite kind are delicious ones. I simply won't settle for anything less. From super-delicious treats to jumbo-delicious treats, fancy-delicious treats to lucky-bonus-delicious treats, I can't be stopped. So you could imagine my sheer delight when I opened my email account recently and found that my pal Travis had sent me this pic of a Boulevard called Treat!!! I can't even imagine what kind of treats are on that street! I mean, there's gotta be tons of candy and toy and sticker and ice cream stores there!!!! God, I am sooooo excited right now! I will be 26 years old in November. bullied by jamie flam on 9/12/2002 :: Like, oh my god! This is totally PSYCHO!!! Yesterday (9-11-02), I get home from work, make some dinner (a lovely salmon salad) and relax a little. Then, I grab a CD and head to my car to go meet my roommates (Andy and Mike) down at Gaylord's Coffee Shop on Piedmont Ave. in Oakland. I unlock my door, stick my key in the ignition, and BAM!, nothing happens. Do you like how I toyed with your senses by putting "BAM!!!". You see, you were expecting something bigger to happen. Don't deny it. I know you....Anyways, after some research (my ability to see), I conclude that the reason my car won't start is because I left the headlights on when I moved it earlier that morning to avoid getting a street cleaning ticket. So, not knowing anyone that has jumper cables, I go back inside to call Triple A. We go through the usual protocol, and then she asks me for my Triple A Membership Number. Here's where shit gets Out of Control!!!! The first three numbers are: 9 - 1 - 1!!!! I mean, can you believe that?? Of all days I could have totally forgotten to leave the headlights on, I inadvertently did it on 9-11. Needless to say, it was a freaked out trip, man! Afterwards I drove down to Gaylord's to get a Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie, but decided not to go in. bullied by jamie flam on 9/12/2002 :: Tim Molloy Doing Research For His Latest Lunchboxing Review/Feature  I had a semi-funny intro prepared as a lead-in to this 9-11 themed feature by Tim Molloy, but have opted to use discretion instead at the suggestion of a taller, more web-oriented friend of mine. Here it is. ENJOY! bullied by jamie flam on 9/12/2002 :: Why Girls Are Golden  A girl named Michelle from Madison, Wisconsin sent me an instant message the other day as a result of having my profile on a semi-pretentious free online matchmaking type site. For purposes of privacy I will not mention her screenname. She was super cool though, as if the above picture she sent me for no reason isn't an indication. If anyone will attest to that, it's Eric Steuer, perhaps the biggest 26 year old male fan of the show I know. Seriously though, the show is magic gold. Anyways, after a meer 20 minutes of instant message chatter with Michelle, my sweet boyish ways resulted in the following ode: Why I am Going to Marry Jamie Flam by Michelle K. First off girls, you read a site like Lunchboxing.com and I bet you're all like "Oh my god, this is SO not funny". Well my young lassies, this is not the case with yours truly. You see, I LIKE fart jokes. In fact, I was a senior in high school when I learned how to make fart noises using my mouth, and my hands. Trust me, I was in raptures. I couldn't believe it took me that long. So, you're probably wondering "When is she going to get to the holy matrimony bit?" Hold your horses! I am getting there! Jamie Flam is a boy I have just started talking to today. I was all like, okay, this dude seems funny. And then, he shows me Lunchboxing.com. And, obviously I find it hilarious (I was sucked in by the Michael Jackson expose) and I want to be the empress to this cyber throne! Here are the benefits to becoming Mrs. Flam as I see them: 1. I am the better half of lunchboxing.com 2. I get to live in a toally rad city by my lesbian friend Kristin. 3. My husband is a media King in San Francisco! 4. Meals are on the house anywhere in the city. 5. The porn is free! 6. Oceanfront condo. So, for those reasons and a few undisclosed ones, I am the future Mrs. Jamie Flam. Now I don't know exactly where the oceanfront condo or free porn comes in, but I do know that the lady that works at Yo-Yo Sushi (review in the making) downstairs has been throwing in free california rolls. So ladies eat your heart out! I have fans all over the map now! Well, one fan. In Madison. Wisconsin. bullied by jamie flam on 9/11/2002 :: Review: Cafe Prague  Check out the picture I took today of Cafe Prague! Then check out this review I did today of the experiences I have had there! You'll be all like "Damn! This is a review!" bullied by jamie flam on 9/10/2002 :: Why you shouldn't chat with people you don't know A recent study by a cadre of eight graders determined that 67% of the time a guy is chatting thinks he is chatting with a girl online, it's actually pete nicely. Observe: latino2_69u: hello hot_bubble_tit_kiss: do you like to 69 latino2_69u: yes latino2_69u: you? hot_bubble_tit_kiss: thast real cool hot_bubble_tit_kiss: i do hot_bubble_tit_kiss: but only with guys latino2_69u: where in cali? hot_bubble_tit_kiss: usually in a bed hot_bubble_tit_kiss: sometimes on the floor latino2_69u: same here hot_bubble_tit_kiss: soo much in common latino2_69u: i love to it in the water though hot_bubble_tit_kiss: you could drown hot_bubble_tit_kiss: ! latino2_69u: I mean in the shower hot_bubble_tit_kiss: how could you 69 in the shower latino2_69u: easy hot_bubble_tit_kiss: seriously hot_bubble_tit_kiss: how latino2_69u: let the water run down while lying in the tub hot_bubble_tit_kiss: still could drown hot_bubble_tit_kiss: ur a risk taker! latino2_69u: can't drown if you have the drin open latino2_69u: drain hot_bubble_tit_kiss: my drain is clogged latino2_69u: not mine hot_bubble_tit_kiss: that's hot latino2_69u: so where in cali are you? hot_bubble_tit_kiss: my room latino2_69u: would you like to try it? hot_bubble_tit_kiss: what hot_bubble_tit_kiss: i just moved here latino2_69u: from where? hot_bubble_tit_kiss: the living room bullied by Pete Nicely on 9/10/2002 :: Read This......OR YOUR HEAD WILL EXPLODE!!!! I was going through some old emails I saved from my first year in college, and also the first year I ever emailed anyone. I remember at a certain point I got so sick of forwarded chain letters that I started [an extremely fake] one myself. I went to every chain letter I ever got, took every single name, and sent out the following: to whom it may concern: this is a chain letter. send it to a hundred people or you will die soon. a guy in washington didn't send it and died. another guy in arizona didn't send it and he died too. and don't think that if you send it you will get good luck because you won't. in fact, you will probably get bad luck for sending it. but bad luck is better than dying, so be smart. also, did i mention that someone in alaska didn't send it and he died. have fun. love always, jamie. Quite obviously a joke, right? Well, here are a few of the replies I got from complete strangers: -------------------- This is a sick and twisted way to get people to do something. -------------------- Nothing against you, not at all. I just personally hate chain letters that try to get people to continue them under the pretense that if they don't something awful will happen. It is like bad Karma or something. Have a great week! ------------------- I ought to send it right back to you. Damn you, I'm the "superstitious type". But in this case, I'm refusing to send "100" of them out. So, if I die, it's on your head and may your conscience bother you for all the years you live. ------------------ Lighten up, folks! What's a little joke between people complete strangers?? bullied by jamie flam on 9/10/2002 ::  For a little break in your day, take a vacation to www.zombo.com.... (click link above dickweed) bullied by Chris Weisb on 9/10/2002 ::  Did anyone else get the following email from Drake Bentsen of Kellogg's in their email Inbox this morning? It's totally screwy!!!!! to all food and eat(ers): my name is drake bentsen at the Kellogs. you may have tried our cereals many such and frosted flakes, raisin bran, and captain crunch yes alright now. our cereals have pride and are good and prizes for free to eat and win trips etc. you can find our brand food at local markets and places for food etc. our logos are prideful to see tony the tiger and our froggy for honeysmacks that are in big costumes for giveaways local places, stores. so thank you for all being loyal and to buy (feed) friends for game. like and tony the tiger "youre great". also for buying-new kinds of cereal like raisin nut bran, to next cap n' crunch. again now, drake bentsen(kellogs brands) Anyone care to interpret these wondrous words? My thinking is that he is trying to appeal to folks about the deliciousness of Kellogg's brand cereals in an attempt to sell more. bullied by jamie flam on 9/9/2002 :: |
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